Ep. 71: Perfect Hosts with the Perfect Game

In this episode, we're gonna talk about the perfect swingers and what they did and how you can learn from them. We're also gonna tell you how we violated a numerous amount of vanillas and how if HR was there, we would have lost our jobs immediately. We're also gonna tell you how creepy swingers can get when they're not in an actual swinger environment. Danger, Will Robinson, you are not at a swinger party, dial it down a notch.

Just Alright, Lauren, here we are again. I am hot today because we live in a jungle and it's getting towards summer. Yeah, I always tell you to take off and wear clothes because I run around in like nothing barely. You always say that and I'm literally in underwear and a t-shirt.

A t-shirt's hotter than a sports bra. You're sexy. Like when you walk around in a tank top or a bra and hot pants, right, it's hot. When I walk around in just my underwear, it's white trash.

It's like Brad Pitt in that movie. I am not Brad Pitt walking around this place in my underwear. Nope. If you were Brad Pitt, would you walk around in your underwear?

Of course I would. OK, well then I'd walk around everywhere in my underwear. If I was able to look at myself and look down and be like, you're so hot, but I don't do that, so it's hard to wear that little clothing when you look down and you're just like, but you don't like what if it wasn't underwear and it was just a bikini bottoms, whatever they're called? What are they called boy trunks?

I don't know what you're talking about like boxers. But the swimming trunk version, I don't know what you mean. Like, yeah, like the little ones that you have. They're like short shorts.

They're like hot pants. Alright, I think you're missing the point. Is this shirtless or not shirtless shirt? No, I can't do that.

But you're gonna go swimming soon. You just tell yourself that. I just want to tell the listener one thing and that they should know for a fact. The place that we live in here has.

Pool. I've never used it. That's like the 3rd place we've lived and you've never used the pool. Well, 4th actually.

Someday I'll use a pool. I will. It's not that I can't swim, it's just that it's, it's not my pool, and I don't know, I just, I don't want other people seeing me swim. How many times did you use the pool in California?

Our own pool, a personal pool at our house? Uh, twice a year. Which was, which was really bad. I mean there was a time in my life, which was a time in my life where, uh, I had a lot of money and I would just heat that fucker all day long, all day long, all year that pool was heated and I was in it like twice a year.

I would just stay heated. Why not? You never know. You never know when you're gonna wanna use it.

Yeah, you're like out, you know, you're like, oh man, I wish that pool was hotter than 72. Let's put that baby on. Swimming to me is a very spontaneous event. You know what I mean, it's like I feel like a swim or you're falling off a ship.

See, this is a good reason why you should wear the hot pants around because maybe you're like, am I hungry for lunch or do I want to swim? I don't know, because there's neighbors here and I just, I just don't, I don't wanna be like, hey Phil. Just go out for a swim. You going for a swim?

Nice trunks on you. So just take that into the spa. Why is it like, why, why do you like to do it in the spa? I mean, not that you swim at the spa, but like, why do you like walking around at the spa and being like, Hey, Phil, nice junk.

What the fuck are you talking about? What kind of life do you think I live? What are you talking about? I have never in my life walked around the spot and said, Hey man, nice junk.

Nice trunks. What is wrong with you? I know you don't say that, but like there's a, you said like in public, like seeing you. Well, it's because they're strangers.

There's a big difference between, oh, OK, I get it. It's a big difference. That makes sense. That goes back to the last episode.

Oh my God, exhibitionism or whatever. Yeah, it's a big difference when there are people that you like live 50 ft from. Yeah, it's I mean. I get it.

Oh, Phil, sorry you saw me jerking off today. I just saw you through the window enjoying those Fruit Loops. I hope I didn't spoil it for you. Next time I'll try and do it a little later in the morning.

By the way, where's your wife? I was hoping she'd be around. Oh Jesus. Anyway, speaking of jerking off, come and jerk off with us in Toronto.

This is very important because this is the final announcement, folks. All skate, all skate X Club in Toronto. Lauren, I am super excited for this, the weekend of June 9th, right? Yes, we're gonna be there June 9th on the Friday.

You can party all weekend if you want. You can be there all weekend. It is stars and stripes and Maple Leafs. Believe, I'm not sure yet, but I heard someone is gonna show up and make us Canadian citizens.

That's what I heard. I'm excited. I think we're gonna have to give them hand jobs, but I'm willing to do it. They're so nice in Canada.

I mean, that's all it takes is a hand job, and from what I heard, Canadians come maple syrup. Which is, which sounds lovely. I, I am down for that. I can't even think of a comeback.

I wish I could bring a waffle maker. I don't know when this is gonna air because as we are in the present, we have 20 something days left before we get there, but I don't know when this is gonna air. I imagine it's gonna be within days. So, wherever you are inside the United States or inside a province or whatever you call it in Canada, make sure you make plans to get there because it is gonna be the only chance to get to see us inside Canada because I imagine we will be banned from that country.

Tell them details one more time. Friday, June 9th, it starts at like 9 p.m. and we are gonna be giving away Bikini Addiction. We're gonna be giving away swag.

We're having really cool extra stuff that we don't want to tell you. Back to this weekend. I did a lot of that this past weekend. Uh, we had a little chat about in our last episode.

I went off on Flakers. I didn't really go off if you listened all the way to the end. If you listened all the way to the end. I gave them a stern talking to because they deserve it, but we did have one couple that was coming into town and they said, hey, we want to meet up.

I had a feeling they were not gonna let us down and boy were we right. We actually went to the hotel, uh, that they were staying at and we we stayed the night. We went up to Breathless. First of all, the hotel is brand new and it's gorgeous.

I mean, just just the beach was amazing, amazing beach I've ever seen in my life. Let's just put it bluntly because I can't make this a long episode. We went up there to have sex. That's just it.

Now, here is what I wanna focus on in this episode. I don't have a lot of time. I got a lot of stuff to do, uh, but this is what I wanna focus on. I want you to meet the lifestyle couple that does everything right.

They do it. And if I'm gonna take a couple and I'm gonna model them off of what you should do, how you should do it, how you should. how you should treat people both outside during social hour and how to host people and in the bedroom, they are the prime example. It is not us.

We are not we're not talking about us. No way, no, no, no, do not take your lead from us. I want to step into this because watching them from the outside in is a great example of, hey, don't do what we're doing, do what they're doing. First of all, a lot of communication, a month and a half.

Half in advance. I even got reminders like a Google reminder. Just, hey, just give me a heads up 3 more weeks. Give me another heads up, 7 more days.

You know what? Thank you very much because people tend to forget like for them it's a very big week on their yearly calendar year, right? They have countdowns and everything, of course, for them, for us it's a fucking Monday. I have no idea when you're coming in.

I forget immediately. I'd always tell people. Remind me when you're coming and they don't as soon as you tell us, we forget because for us the date is so insignificant. Not that you're insignificant, but the date is insignificant.

We decided, you know what, instead of meeting in a in a meeting place, we had decided, you know what, we're gonna go meet you at at the hotel. We're gonna spend the night there. And that happened in the last 24 to 36 hours or 48 hours. I think we sort of made that decision that we're gonna do that.

Made a reservation, they meet us in. The lobby. First off, boom, they were going to host our bags in their room while they took us out and they were like, would you like to go on a tour? And we were like, right, so sometimes you, you meet up with couples and they're already in the middle of their vacation or in this instance, I wanted you to picture it as somebody inviting you to their party because that's more in essence as as as to what it was because they had already been there for a few days.

Yeah, they made friends. You're already have this sense of unease when you're showing up. So it already sets you at ease. They're there for you.

They're already like they hosting us. It, it already feels like you are our focus. Looking back, it's like, I wouldn't have even realized how important it was and how much it put me at ease that just those little things, you know, it does get very like stressful when you're trying to figure out we're by the pool and you're going, OK, which pool? Well, what it does when you're a couple and you're in that situation.

Whether you're at a party, you're at a hotel, you're any other function and you say we're at blank, what you're saying almost is you're not significant enough for me to stop what I'm doing. Exactly, yeah, you're interrupting my night. You're interrupting my day. Yeah, I just wanna fuck you.

I don't really want to do anything else right unconsciously. That's, that's the, that's the signal that it sends. I'm not saying that you sort of take it personally, but unconsciously that's usually the first impression that you get, and that's not the first impression that you want to give somebody. You take the time.

It doesn't have to be both, but at least one person come up with me. I know one other couple that's very much like this. I can't name them, but I think you know who I'm talking about. They meet us, they say, let's go up to the room.

We don't really know these people. not at all, never with them sexually. We were really going off of a gut feeling. So we wind up in our room actually just sort of to drop off our bags and immediately I am always thinking, do they want to fuck right now?

I know. Because we do have friends like that that are like, we'll fuck on the ride home. We're like, OK, I know you will, right, I know you will, but we smell like a plane and not feeling that sexy. So, um, so we go up into the room, they are, what, what do you wanna do?

What what are you hungry? We can wait to eat. We can eat right now. Do you want to go get a drink?

Do you want to go to the beach? Do you want like a cruise director, and that's when we say what what you said. We need someone to just make a decision for us and just show us around and be like, why don't we go do this? And we'll be like, yeah, that's a great idea.

Boom, takes control, right? So the first thing they do is they take us down to the beach and we sit in the ocean for a long time. One of the most beautiful pieces of beach that I've ever seen in my life, and I'm like, I'm hungry. Uh, cause that's what I usually say when I'm hungry.

I'm hungry. We go up to the party pool area, yeah, it's like on a roof. We grab some food to eat. Now here's the thing about the guy in this group.

There's several different kinds of people in the world. There are drinkers. And there are not drinkers, and then there are drinkers who are like real drinkers that can drink and drink and drink. I could not tell the difference between this guy, between his first drink or his 100th drink.

His personality did not waiver at all, right? Because my biggest turnoff, I. I get, I get a little scared because my biggest turnoff is drinkers with big personality sways, you know what I mean? It's sloppy or they just kind of disconnect from the world and yeah, it is like for me it is like I, it is not something that has not happened to us.

I'm British now because I'm drunk. OK, sister, but you're not. And we know you're not because an hour ago when you were in the gym, you were from Massachusetts. We are not heavy drinkers, I know, but he continues to feed us drinks because he thinks that he's hosting.

That's his thing. He wants to be a good host. And then the other thing that we, we noticed is they knew every single person at that hotel. It was like they owned the place.

It was just like they were playmakers or something. They knew staff and guests and guests. Oh, how was your birthday last night? They knew little tidbits.

Every time somebody walked by, they were like, Hey. What's going on? I'm like, how long have you been here? Jesus, that is something to do at a lifestyle, right, right.

Not out of the question, not out of the norm to do that at a vanilla hotel, almost impossible. As we get all our training at ASM, we're all trained at vanilla hotels. Head down, don't say hi to anyone, and that is how you live. They broke that mold, and I, I mean, I was so just so impressed with how they got the party started, how they hosted everybody, and then.

Brought us into the circle. Now here's the trick. They not only brought us into the circle, but they managed their time with everybody in that hotel, but they somehow never got their focus off of us. They always stayed within, within distance of us at all times.

They never, you never were at a point where you're like, where did they go? What happened? If one left, the other one was by our side. The other one left, the other one was by our side.

It's like. They went to charm school, but for lifestylers. I don't know where they were trained, but they should train others. I don't know how they do it.

I feel like it was amazing. They should take charge of, of something. I feel like they should open some sort of school. They're drinking and drinking and drinking.

I already know they tell us that they don't need any sleep, and I'm like, oh no. So again, I tell them, yeah, we need a nap. Mama and papa need a nap, and we don't, we don't play by those rules, right? We try to get on with our day.

I mean, we're like, I don't know, 107 drinks in by now and we're finding out that they're working on like 2 hours sleep over the past 4 days and I'm like, I don't understand. With no methamphetamine or any stimulant whatsoever, we're supposed to go out that night. It's our only night there. We don't have a choice.

We can't take a night off. No, you got a disco nap and so you're ready to go and they kept saying, do what you need to do. We got to watch the sun come up. I'm just thinking that's sweet Jesus.

We know this is gonna be a late night and I'm preparing for it and I'm scared because I know my body, right, and I'm like, oh man, I just now in the midst of, of all of this stuff they had picked up a few vanillas that seemed like even you and I were like, are they gonna have sex with these because I think they're gonna have sex with some of these vanillas. He's cute. I mean, I mean, how old were those girls? Um, maybe 30.

We'll be right back. Alright, Lauren, it's time to talk about our only sponsor who has big enough balls to advertise on this show, but ironically doesn't make anything to fit those balls into. Who is it? We're talking about Bikini Addiction.

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I'm, like, how did you do that? That's not fair. Are we sharing this or how does this, how does this work? So immediately I don't even know how to hit on them because they start talking to me because they're friends with the hosts at this point.

I start talking to them. Uh, I don't know. know what I'm saying at this point. We did.

You told them one thing about when we moved, they said, Oh, you live in Mexico. That's amazing. So awesome. We're like, like, but then before there, I lived in Los Angeles 20 years.

I was like, Don't do the math. Don't do the math. I'm your age. I can't be your dad.

It's impossible. It could be like your older boyfriend, but that's it. Smash cut to his, uh, lifeguard blowing his whistle at us. I'm like I was trying to hit on them, and he's blowing his whistle.

It was just not a cool move. Look at you grooming the young girls. I was trying to, like, I'm so bad at flirting, but I was like, oh whatever. There's this other guy there who's, I don't know, probably in his 30s.

Immediately he's tatted from head to toe. He can barely speak English and he looks like if you called central casting and you said, I need a Street Fighter. He's a street fighter who starts to dance for Channing Tatum in Magic Mike. But he's French and he can barely speak English.

It'll kick your ass. Yeah, well, what kind of tattoos, you know, like Looney Tunes, but they're giving you the finger. Oh yeah yeah. I got one of those.

Send him down, right? That's who's at the pool. So we immediately start hitting on him, right? We scared the fuck out of him.

I mean just the bejesus out of him. It's so fun. I love doing that. Well, he came up to me and this threw me for a loop.

We came up to him here. I have this hot chick with me, which is you, and he turns to me and he's like, You have a nice body. And I'm like, we, we, I don't know what to do here. I guess I'm bagging this one, honey.

But he was just, I think he was just really scared, right? Anyway, I, I immediately shift my focus because I'm like, I don't have the energy for vanillas on this trip. I already know I'm gonna be up all night, so we're here for one reason, and that doesn't include getting arrested. We're for two reasons.

We're there for two reasons. him and her. Oh well, collectively one reason, and then having sex with a young girl would be a bonus and magic Francais would be that would just be icing on the cake, but I don't have time for that because I still have to get a nap in. I can't schedule all this not sexy to say to 20 year old girls or thirty-year-old girls, Hey baby, yeah, you're like your older boyfriend.

Just gotta go catch a nap real quick. We're gonna be doing shots. You wanna take a nap after that? What's a nap?

Is that a new shot? Yeah, you, you do you ever chase that with Metamucil or? Super good. So good.

Blackout curtains. So now all I'm thinking is rest enough because you have to have sex with these people. You have to be good. You know they're gonna have enough energy.

Yeah, they're probably like multiple comers and it's, it's gonna be like a session. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no doubt in my mind you're you're gonna ask them how many times can you come in a session. He's like 55 or 6.

We usually go for like 3 hours. Do you have any erection problems? No, never. And, what about you?

Yeah, no problem, no problem with anything. Everything's good with me, like a guy who has stamina. Good, good, good, not getting nervous at all. This is good.

No pressure. No pressure. So I'm just like, just sleep it up, right? So I get a little nap and we're gonna go down to dinner.

You have a little immediately I'm stopped and they're like, I'm sorry, sir. Long pants are required here. Great, great. I have, I have never ever not packed long pants in my life until Lauren, you're not packing long pants.

Throw in two pairs of shorts and let's get, let's get out of here. It's a, it's a baby backpack and that's all you're, that's all you're bringing. Come on, let's go. Another reason why men should be allowed to wear skirts, because if I could wear a skirt in there, then I could get in, but I can't wear shorts.

To me it doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make any sense. I had a nice pair of really blue, nice cool shorts. Why can't I show a little leg?

I saw a girl in there with a short skirt who I was kind of check it out, to be honest with you. So anyway, so I have to go upstairs and put his pants on, right? Or like, what, what size? I have to go upstairs and put his pants on.

I go upstairs. I put his pants on. I don't have shoes either. I have, I brought sandals, and I blame all this on Lauren.

I'm in the room. I'm throwing you under the bus. At this point. I'm like, I have to throw Lauren under the bus here because this is in fact all her fault, and I'm embarrassed here because I gotta put my balls in his pants, and this is just the thing.

You don't do this to other men's pants. I mean, I was wearing underwear, but my balls essentially are in his pants, right? So so forward. We hadn't even gotten naked yet.

You're putting your balls in his pants. No, but he's like, Don't worry about it, man. I got, I got, I was like, OK, listen, do you have a belt? Because I know I wear a 32, I'm a 32 West, but my pants usually fall down a little bit because I'm shaped like Brad Pitt.

I don't know if you know that, but kind of my pants fall down, you know what I'm saying? Uh, we have this problem, you know what I mean? It's just the way we're shaped. It is what Hollywood knows it's fine.

We we don't have time to take these in, do we? You don't travel, you're seeing troops. I'm guessing you don't. Alright, uh, listen, one last question.

I'm pretty sure I'm gonna need some shoes. Uh, he's like, yeah, I got shoes. What, what, uh, what kind of shoes? I'm like, I don't care what kind of shoes.

That's not my problem. My problem is, is I have an extraordinarily small foot. He's like, Oh, cool, what size do you wear? I'm like, I, what size do you wear?

And he says, I have an 11 1/2. And I'm like, I do not wear anything close, close to that size. So I have to put his shoes on. Right, which to me is walking downstairs like I'm wearing snow shoes and I have to physically walk in these jeans with my belt, so I'm curling up my toes in the shoes to keep them on right now and I'm, I'm walking like I have a back problem.

Yeah, you look like you threw something out in the room. Yeah, it looks like I, I threw my back out because that's how I'm walking, but I'm doing that because I gotta keep the shoes on and then I go and I sit down. You know, have a lovely dinner, and then we go out after that. We're in the club.

Everyone's getting, you know, shots. It's always shot, shot, shots. I don't know where that song came from, but I feel like this club, this, this group of people wrote it. So I say, do you know how we stay up, Lauren?

We take drugs. That's what we do. That's what we do. We take copious amounts of drugs.

That's the only way we're gonna make it through this night. So we do, we, we take a little bit of Molly, which for us is prescribed, and, uh, we wait for it to hit. And we wait for it to hit, wait for it to hit. Nothing happens.

So story of my life. What do you do? Do you go to bed? No, you take more molly.

So I say, let's just take some more. So I take a double dose, right? So now I'm on twice the amount I should be, and my insides are already falling asleep. They're in the club, they're the bride and the groom at a wedding party.

I felt a little uncomfortable in the club, but I think I was just intimidated by the youth in the club, and I didn't. It's weird when you feel like you know how to party with people your own age, but then when you're put in a situation where everyone around you is like 1015, 20 years younger than you, you're like, But what, what makes you stop in a situation like that? Don't you, don't you see it as a reflection of you? Looking at a reflection, does that make sense to you?

Like, do you look at it as you looking at yourself? I think insecurity had a lot to do with it. If I had to guess, if I had to see you from an outside observer, like I rarely see you in a state of feeling insecure. And to me, you just seemed insecure, and I know what makes you insecure and what makes you insecure.

Usually is overbearing personalities because the last thing that you are as a person is someone who competes for attention. You immediately, if, if it was a card game, you immediately fold. You're like, I I fold. You win.

You win. I'm out. You want the attention, it's yours. Take the stage, and I can see that was happening that night and it's.

Funny. It's not as if they were competing against you, and I think you took that, or you do take that in life. You take that a little personally. I'm always sort of like that.

I'm not sort of an extrovert. You are, so when you get introverted, it's very, very noticeable to me because I can tell it's like a, it's a 180 shift, but I feel I'm introverted. I'm extroverted. when I'm with my kind.

Yes, because I feel comfortable, but otherwise I'm not. In general, I think I do have social anxiety and it was just, I just wasn't comfortable there. It was too much happening for you. I know what I am in my brain, if I had to associate it with anything that is very close to you being in a sorority house, which is probably the most uncomfortable.

Uncomfortable place I could put you if I wanted to make if I wanted to torture you, I wouldn't put you in jail. I'd say you are sentenced to 5 years in that sorority house. Yes, and you have to stay there and participate. Oh my God.

Like that would be worse for jail. Jail, you'd be like, bring it. I'll be all right. I'll just find my own thing.

I don't know. I'll, I'll make stuff into the routine. I'll just figure something out. I hate seeing that overcome you as a person, and I think that the lifestyle community, what you get so accustomed to is so much acceptance and so much feeling so comfortable in your own skin that you got caught off guard shifting that.

Gear a little bit and going the people here are not against me. They're just not necessarily my they're not my people, but they're not against me. Now I didn't think they were against me. I just did not feel like I was part of the crowd.

I just felt like a real outsider. Well, you were an outsider because you were literally standing on the outside of the entire crowd. I know, but you, I tried the core of everything, the vanillas, and they don't want to have. Sex with anybody because that's the truth usually, right?

It's like a lot of flirting. There are, you can't see it, my listener, but I'm putting quotes. There are lifestyle parties out there that exist like this that are lifestyle that put themselves under the lifestyle banner that exist as lifestyle parties, but they're not lifestyle people. They are people that love to go out there and dance and be hoary, but they don't get down and play, and we all know who they are.

We all know what they are, and they're. Fucking awesome. They're great at what they do, but at the end of the night, they don't want to fuck, and that is what they do. That is their thing, right?

And when you go to those types of parties, yeah, there's no guessing. There's no pressure. There's no anything because, you know, it's just kind of off the table, right? When you go to our party at the end of the night, you're looking to hook up.

It's couple skate, couple skate journey starts playing and you're like, I gotta find somebody to skate with, right? That's, that's our crew. That's who we hang out with at the end of this particular night. This is where I wish because I wish we just sort of bailed on that a little bit earlier, like 3 hours earlier.

I just went straight back to the room because what happens is at the end of the night, it's like a bunch of these people are standing outside and they're like, you know what we're gonna do? All 10 of us, all 15 of us, we're all gonna go jump in the pool and I'm like, I'm leaving and they're gonna, and they kept saying, well, can I get kicked out of the resort? Well then let's go to the beach. I think we've already established what kind of a pool person I am.

OK, but jumping in with my clothes on, they didn't even say we're gonna go skinny dip it, you know what I mean? Like let's get down to our underwear. I might have been like, All right, what did you say? But they were like, Let's get in with our clothes on.

I'm like, everybody here is lame. I mean, at least skinny dip. If you're gonna do this, do it fucking right, please. You know what I mean.

Swirl. Do you even know the swirl? Get, get my time card. I'm punching out of this shit.

So we go up to the room now. Usually on these podcasts our listener is used to stories of redemption. And I'm afraid to say that this is not one of those times as we get up there to we say, look, we, we, we have to go, we gotta stop off at our room really quick because I have to go get my sex equipment. I got my swing.

I got my in and out, but I have stuff. I don't, you know, you don't, yeah, you got your go bag. You don't tend to bring lube and condoms to to the dance club, right? The Macarena doesn't usually, usually end up with me inside of somebody.

Whoops, we'll be right back. Thank you people of the world who went over to patreon.com and gave your support to Room 77 to help this podcast keep going. Many of you have flooded in. You stopped Patreon, it broke down.

That's how many came. What do they call them? Not a doc attack. An overload?

an overload. Anyway, there were so many people that came in and tried to give us a better life, they had to shut down the system. Most are saying that it broke records. I'm not saying that, but some people are.

They're grateful for the words that we say on this podcast that they can't help but go there and show their gratitude. Well, I am showing my gratitude to them by saying thank you, and now you can enjoy bonus material, you can enjoy the savings of the events we do, you can enjoy all of the extra material we give you, you can enjoy the dirty telegram and the dirty pictures that we give you. You're welcome. I mean, thank you.

Now, it is gonna sound like we don't have a lot of people, but we kind of recorded these episodes back to back, so we only have a few to list. Because there's less, it doesn't mean that it's insignificant, because it's not. Every bit helps, so pull your car over and do your part. We want to say thanks to Kevin, Robert, Matt, Aaron, CB Summer Co, and someone named Sean who just gives us money directly into our bank account.

Thank you, Sean, and sorry I knocked up your wife. But we're going to get through it together. Boom boom boom, we're grabbing her stuff. I, I boom boom boom.

You sort of boom boom. Well, I just You take a little bit of time because every time uh you say I'm ready you're still in the middle of doing something, right? If you're doing anything then I'm like, oh I'll just add eyeliner. I'll just curl my lashes.

You say I'm ready, but you're still doing something and then I look at you. I'm like she's not ready and then I'm finishing up my other thing and then you move on. Onto something else after that because you're not ready. I have like 5 more seconds.

I've been ready. I'm waiting to put chopstick on. OK, whatever. So I just, I'm like finally I'm just like we have to go now.

You just drop everything like I pointed a gun at your head and said drop it because that's what it has to get to. So we go to the room and uh we walk in. She had already made this fantastic costume change into this gorgeous leather bound sort of it was like a harness, like a, like criss-crossy harness onesie thing. It was amazing.

Super sexy. Oh God, I was like, look at you. are you saying hurry up and you came down they showered and I, yeah, everybody showered, which I love and they had the room all lit again. These are all points on the super swinger card like perfect.

I mean just perfect just like I should start a class so. You know, we start very slow, seductively. Now here's where the problems arise. Richard's a failure.

I've been pretty good lately, but my body is so shut down at this point, I can already feel it. By the time I took a shower, by the time I washed my penis. Were you trying to like jerk it in the shower a little bit? Yeah, of course.

Just sizes it up and see if it's awake. Yeah, but not in a sexy way like you were just doing. I was like smacking it like it was drunk. I was trying to get it out of a coma.

Like, wake up, wake up, the police. We're not losing you tonight. Not tonight. Not on my watch.

I hate to revive it, right? Every guy out there knows exactly what I'm talking about. They know that feeling where your dick is just like, just not right, where you're like, hm, it, it feels it, but it's just not responding, yeah, because I should have just been, I should have been semi aroused by the situation. I was like, all right, well, let me get in the bed and like get.

Down and maybe everything will sort of start working a little bit. Yeah, you're like, go ahead, let me just watch you guys. They were giving me a massage. They had put some oil on me and they were just both rubbing my body and yeah, so they lay you down and you were like, just ignore me.

I'm just going to be over here. I'm just this is turning me on. I like watching and I tell them immediately. I'm like, look, I can already tell that I'm having problems.

This is what I need from you. Again, the most responsive response I had from any other couple, what she gets most credit for is listening to exactly what I said, because he at one point said, Honey, go help him out, and she said to him, he said, No, it's gonna be better if I just let him relax because I was like, I just have to center myself right now because now I'm in that loop of death, you know what I mean. So they lay you down and everybody gets everybody gets massages. You get a massage.

You get a massage. Everybody gets massages. It was great, a very, very sexy, sensual, wonderful, connecting couple. The conversation between the plane, I kept getting hard and losing my heart on it, and it was really, really sad for me.

Yeah, you get stressed out about that. And they kept saying like, you know, it's fine. We don't have to have the sex sex. It doesn't have to be penetration.

They were wonderful about it. They really, really were. I mean, I enjoyed watching him fuck the shit out of you because I just, there was something about his big fat cock that I just couldn't get enough. Of watching him fuck you, I know that he also likes that, and I wanted to be able to reciprocate, and I just couldn't because when you're in that state, condoms, it's just, it's, it's game over.

Let me just say about this, it, it just, it messes me up, but the way they handled it, I was a complete failure. I got an F. Well, I maybe a minus. I got a minus.

You got a B. No, why? That's not. Good for me because you couldn't take that cock well enough and I just got, yeah, that's hard.

I kept saying stop more lube, more lube, more lube. What is it? Does it just hurt because it's too big? I don't know what it is about condoms.

I was lubricated myself, but it just doesn't work with condoms. We should always go bareback. I mean, can you just get the spray FDA approved already? Like, let's get the, I think we should just go bareback with everybody and just say, look, it's on you.

Sonia, if anything happens, we'll pay the bill. We're gonna need verification of an actual infection. Anything AIDS not included. Yeah, we'll just send you home with some penicillin just in case.

For me, what I enjoyed was the twist, her being so confident and so kind of the center and a leader, and when she got into the bed, she loved pressure, she loved power, she loved meat. She was like, I grabbed her hands and she's like, oh yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. So I just kept like pulling her wrist and her hands and you know, I'm watching him. Fuck her while I was sort of pinning her down.

It was, um, it's like so hot. Yeah, you know what's not powerful? A guy with a limp dick. He's standing off to the side trying to figure out what's happening.

Yeah, it's, it's so emasculating, and I know that's what her turn on was, and it's like you can't not feel emasculated and be masculine at the same time. I'm gonna pin you down and put my flaccid. I tea bag here. I'm gonna put my flaccid penis.

I'm gonna rub it up against your leg. Oh, do you feel that noodle? Oh, clean shaven balls. See how much you're not turning me on.

Oh, you like that soft cock, huh? You like that sleepy cock. They get an A in. I could have talked to them all night long and when we did.

It was really, really, we wound up getting two hours sleep. We almost did see the sun come up until I had to say, I'm gonna die. And uh I was just rambling. I wasn't even making sense anymore.

You're like, you're just doing tired talk, Lauren. I was like stop talking. You're not even making sense anymore. You're just your mouth is moving.

It's like a doll and the string broke. Oh God, I was trying so hard. I know you were. I know you were.

Oh man, it was just some nonsense were coming coming out of your mouth. You start, but they seemed to enjoy it. They did, but they were, they were sleepy, good listeners. We saw them the next morning and you were like, Did you guys just go right to sleep?

And they're like. No, we didn't. Of course not. We reconnected and you're like, and by reconnecting, do you mean you had sex again?

They're like, yes, I couldn't. I mean, I could barely walk to the room. That's how tired I was. Yeah, I feel like I owe them one if they would give me the chance again.

I really do. I really, I feel like I let them down. I mean, I've let a lot of people down in my life sexually, but I really feel like I. Let them down because I feel like they gave so much, you know what I mean?

I guess if it was a crappy experience, experience, I'd be like, yeah, whatever, but they brought their A game. Maybe they're always on their A game. Maybe that's just their regular game. Maybe that's their, their base.

I'm gonna steal everything they did and I'm gonna write it down on paper. I'm gonna make it a course that everybody should take. I think you should. Would you say that if you had Trimix, I would have it.

Well, of course you would have shot it, but being that you have had it the last few times, do you think like it's like a mental crutch now, or do you think it's just you were just tired? No, I know, I know that feeling. Yeah, it's just tired. Double the amount of drugs in my system.

I had no sleep and I had alcohol in my system, and it was 3 o'clock in the morning. None of those things are friends for an erection. And I've, I've done it before, but it was just like, and it happens. We, when, when it happens to us, the first thing we say to everybody is like it happens, it just happens, you know.

I feel like I owe them again. I got a minus. I got a B. You got a B.

I'm sad about that. I mean, you gotta learn how to take these cocks. I mean that's coming from a very selfish place, but you gotta take these cocks bigger, better, longer, faster. You know what I'm saying?

Like, don't quit on me. I need you to open up, hold your ankles and say more, faster, harder, do it. Put it in me, in my ass. Fuck every hole in me.

Bring your friends. Fuck me with the lamp. Do stuff. You know what I mean?

That's why you gotta be. It was just, it was just a sad, sad showing. That's all, that's all it was. He had very, very large shoes to fill.

I stand here today and I did not, I did not fill those shoes, but I will, I will try next time. Alright, that's it, Lauren. for you next time, just keep doing your homework and you'll get better. I'm gonna do my homework.

Keep spreading that pussy. Keep, keep putting stuff in there. Again, always be practicing. Always be putting stuff in.

Always, always be putting stuff inside of you. Always. I did. We did a little video for OnlyFans.

We did a video for OnlyFans and we put stuff in your asshole. Yeah, you put it in my butt like a good girl. I did it. That's what the butt pluck says.

He me sleep de Alright, Lauren, listen, before you get distracted anymore, I'm gonna ask you something. I want you to answer me honestly. OK, go ahead. What are you carrying inside of your vagina right now?

What are you practicing this? I'm practicing with some glasses. Glasses, yeah, I have a pair of glasses in there, like a pair of that sounds dangerous. No, they're in a case.

Oh well, that's, that's better. At least the shape is a little bit more, I mean, phallic, I guess. Well, that's good, at least you're practicing. I would stay away from any breakables.

That would be not glass glasses. Like in my cupboard glasses, no, like uh some reading glasses. Alright, awesome. Um, the good news is is that I have I've collected some dick injection.

I had somebody mule some in so that I don't I don't think that that will ever happen again. I am going to carry the dick injection around with me now, like I have diabetes. I think think of it as a positive, like it is your superhero cape, cool superhero belt. No, better.

You know how Rambo used to wear his bullets? I'm just gonna wear insulin shots but with dick injections all the way across my chest. Yeah, and then maybe there's one in there that's the antidote just to be safe because you always want to be safe. It's for pussies.

No, no, no. Let's not teach the people bad habits. You're right, don't do the dick injection, unless it's prescribed by a doctor. By the way, I am a doctor, and if you wanna call me, consultations are $500 per hour.

DM me on the side. I am gonna wrap it up and uh I think, I think this is what I hear, word is, is we are gonna see those people again. Word on the street. Yeah, you're gonna get a redemption, it's gonna be a story of redemption, Richard.

This will be a story of redemption. So let's see what happens in a few weeks, it may be in the next episode. And then we'll start way earlier. These are the things.

No, I already told them, I already said there is a curfew here. They're not allowed to stay up all night, we go on lockdown here, that's how it works. Uh, you have a bedtime, pretend you're my children. If you're not into that, think of a different fantasy, but we're playing mommy and daddy, there's a curfew, yeah, whatever, however you wanna play it, and we have bedtime.

Don't come out of your room asking for some milk or some water. No, if we need you, we will come into your room, we will get it from you. That's how this is gonna go down, OK? I can't wait.

Uh, I am looking forward to Toronto to, uh, hopefully we can have sex with a bunch of Canadians while we're there. I'm hoping. It's gonna be so nice just because Canadians are so nice. Oh, they are so nice, hey, I mean this is just a true statement, eh.

I just want you, hopefully. Hopefully that you get some Canadian semen in you, and then have a child that's half Canadian and we have dual citizenship and then we can go there whenever we want. I think that's how it works, yeah, I'll try and uh get that done for you, Richard. That sounds great.

Uh, sorry, by the way, if I cut you off there, so sorry. My uh my Canadian, I learned that in acting school. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to go leave a positive review. For more information, go to room 77life.com.

Thanks for stopping by room 77. We had a blast. Now get your clothes and get out. with You got me sleep depressed.

I You got me sleep depressed.