Ep. 13: Stay Away From My Husband's C@ck!!

This podcast contains explicit content, language, and sexual situations. It is intended for adults 18 years of age and older. These thoughts and opinions expressed are not those of any specific employer, group, or individual. Fed up with the rat race, we decided to sell everything and move to Cancun, Mexico.

Now we do what we love work, party, and play at the Desire resort. After 15 years in a lifestyle together, we thought we saw it all, but we were so wrong, so wrong. Oh my God, so wrong. Now we want to share the fun that we get to have every day.

So come to room 77. Let's play. All right, we started. I have so many gray hairs.

I don't feel like I have to tell you this. You're old. It's been like a week after my birthday, and I have all these gray hair. That's what triggers it.

Color it. That, that's what people do. It's not something that nobody else deals with. It's just a fact of life.

It's not what I'm here to talk about. I just, today, first of all, I'm here to ask you a question because I don't even know the answer to this. Did you receive your Malibu strings box? No, I texted them today though.

You did, yeah, I got a little stern. Malibu strings. Some of the bikinis inside of you. What if there were bikinis that had like an anal plug on it?

That sounds crazy, and this is what I wanna talk about crazy inside the lifestyle and inside the world. And because we've been doing this for so long, I thought we could maybe be immune to it. Let me just enlighten our listener. I don't know who's insane here.

So this is the situation that I want my listener to know because they need to know everything about me and how insane I am. So about a week ago, I had said to you, I I want to join Tinder, right? I wanna try Tinder out. I wanna see what it's about because our friend said you could possibly gain Instagram followers through doing Tinder.

Tinder. She's like, Oh, well, that sounds like a good idea. I don't really have anything to hide. I'll put a photo of us up and just see what happens.

So I set it up. I think I paid for it. And then what happens is I was just like, Well, I'll just use it as a marketing tool. But then you start getting matches, right?

And you start clicking on them after like we didn't even know. a slide. I have no idea how to like. I liked.

I super liked so many people. I had no idea. I basically just took any random person and said, I'm in love with you. Oh, I didn't mean to swipe it that way.

So I get a message back from, uh, one of those people. I get a couple of messages to me like matches, yeah, matches, but then, then they send you a message like, Hey girl, what's up? And I'm like, Hey dude. And then there was this one or two single gals in there, and this one single gal came up as like a couple miles away, and she's really, really cute, so I said hi back.

I was like, What's up girl? Long story short, she started asking me questions about desire. Do you work at Desire? What do you do there?

What's your deal? You guys are really pretty. I would like to meet up with you guys. My first.

First instinct was this is bullshit. So she starts sending photos over to me. She's getting hotter by each photo. It's getting hotter and hotter.

And one of the things that I'll usually do, what I used to do in our other life when we used to use websites and stuff, and I thought somebody was fake, I would take that photo and I'd put it into Google Image, image search and see if it popped up, pass the test. Then she starts sending me photos of her at desire. It's. Mistakable.

So it's her. I can't find it on Google, and she is apt desire. She's in the beds. She's on the beach.

I could see her. She says to me, I wanna meet up with you guys. And I'm like, I don't know how this is gonna work, but I would like to also meet up with you. This is like day one, right?

And it starts getting hot and heavy. Telling you, I showed you pictures, and you're like, she's fake. I'm like, she's not. I don't know if she is.

I don't think she is. All right, day two, I ignore her because now I gotta play a little hard to get. It literally took one day and I'm addicted to Tinder. Addicted, right?

So, uh, so she texts the next day and she's like, Hey, I wanna come and see you guys. So we say, All right, how about tomorrow or the next day? She's like, Yeah, I'm down. And it starts getting really hot and heavy.

She's sending more pics, and I, I'm just getting super turned on because I'm like, I think this chick is down and she's really cute. And this could be something. So she says it doesn't even matter if we go, how much time we spend at desire, as long as I get to hang out with you guys, super horny, need to be with you guys. I'm frantically texting.

I text you from downstairs. I'm like, hey, I need to let you know I'm having a full-on affair. Up here, OK, or down here wherever I was, and I need your help, and you texted back, go fuck yourself. I'm busy.

I don't have time for your bullshit right now, right? But I'm having a full-on affair. She was staying in Tulum with her family talking about how she tried to go out on a date the other night. The guy couldn't get hard, so then she makes that comment to me, I can't wait.

Because that guy couldn't get hard. So then I start spinning. Tulum is 2 hours away. So now from that moment, all I can think is this girl is gonna drive 2 hours.

She's gonna drive 2 hours, and if I don't get hard because I'm nervous, I, I, I'll, I'll kill myself. I'm talking to you. You're like, don't worry about it. Just relax.

Just shut it. Working on QuickBooks. I don't have time for this. So I'm like, oh, I just, you know, it's just so much pressure.

Why do they say things like that? I would never say something like that to a woman to make her feel uncomfortable, like you wouldn't be performing enough. And I said, I wish I had that stuff that guys, they shoot in their penis. A bunch of guys that told me about some, some of this stuff they use.

They take a needle, they stick it in their penis, and it makes them hard. Like rock hard on like command. Oh yeah, just better than pills, way better than pills. It's like magic.

The downside to that sticking a needle in your penis, you being the supportive wife that you are, you say, Well, why don't you go get some now? I forget that we are living in a land devoid of pharmaceutical laws and that I can actually just go to a store. Cut out that whole doctor nonsense. Just go, just go to a pharmacy and say, Hey, I don't know how to say this in Spanish, but can I have some of that stuff that you inject into your penis?

Now, I don't recommend anybody does this without a doctor's consent, without seeing a urologist, but I went and I bought the stuff. I mean, when I say we buy it, I mean you because I was, I was too embarrassed. I'm like holding up my phone where it's typed in WhatsApp did this, yeah, and I'm like, I don't know who she needs this for, dude, not me. Come on, lady, like I was your taxi driver.

So anyway, we get it. We come home and I say, all right, well, you're saying, do you feel better now because you have it in case of an emergency? I'm like, I don't know how to use it now. I have a license and a doctorate from Google and YouTube.

Well, yeah, a graduate, a minor in YouTube. I learned about this stuff, how to do it, how to dose it. I'm like, all right, I'm good. But now it's sitting.

I can't do it for the first time in an emergency situation. We have to have a test run. Meanwhile, frantically texting with this girl, she has no idea that I'm going through madness on this end to make sure that I have a rock solid pole for her after her drive up from Tulum. So it's stuff you gotta mix it up like a chemist.

It's like a play set. Take some stuff off. You put some stuff in a liquid and you shake it all about, and this is the part where I think you probably need a urologist because I have no idea how much to do. I'm doing 19,000 different conversions here of MCGs to millimeters to millimeters, milliliters, milligrams, mm, whatever it was.

It did none of it makes sense to me. I came up with the perfect dosage that I think a doctor would prescribe to me. If I was a doctor, this is what I would do. I think I got it perfect.

So I take my dosage and you say, you're gonna do it? I'm like, Yeah, again, very supportive you does the perfect white thing and leaves me and goes upstairs and says, good luck. So I say, look, if I'm gonna do this, you, OK, you told me to don't not watch you inject your penis. Though that part is correct.

So then I All right, but I did say to you, listen, lady, I say to you, if I do this, I am going to have a penis that is gonna be as hot. It could, you could cut diamonds with my penis. I've seen this stuff work. It wasn't on YouTube.

No, I've seen actual guys who use it at the resort. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The advice they gave me was, don't do it, man. Well, because it really should only be used if you have like nerve damage and really serious, uh, erectile dysfunction, not as, as a recreational drug.

I found this to be serious though. If a urologist saw her photos, he'd be like, Here, here's, here's some samples. I don't even want you to pay for it. Consultation's free.

So, all right, so I take the dosage and I say to you, listen, you're gonna have to take care of this because this is gonna be a really hard out of control penis that's gonna need have some attention. It's not that I'm attracted to you. This is an obligatory. It's just, it's part of the whole test.

We gotta take it on a full test drive, not just in the, the parking lot of the car dealership, you know how they do that. They keep you in the parking lot and you're like, Can I take it on the road? He's like, Well, I need your license. Fuck you, man.

Come on, I'm not buying a car because I can parallel park here. So I follow the instructions from what I learned in med school, and I take the thing and I put it in. I'm not even gonna describe that part, and I go back to doing what I'm doing cause it, it takes like 10 minutes to work. I think I was editing it that I feel a little stir, a little stirring down there.

It's fucking worse, something's happening. So I run upstairs immediately to you and I say, something's happening. We are at DEFCON. It is DEFCON 4.

Or one, I don't know what the more important one is. I'm like, it's happening, it's only gonna be minutes before I am so hard. I, I run outside, I'm gonna take a shower cause I haven't showered yet, so I go upstairs and I start taking a shower. I start taking off my clothes to take a shower, and my penis at this point.

No, so my penis at this point is getting erect on one side. Halfway. So I looked down and it looks like a perfect C. It's as if my penis was throwing a gang sign.

And I can't get it to straighten out. Obviously, I did something wrong. Now this, now I'm half hard. My, my penis is throwing a C and I start flop sweating.

So we both wind up sitting on the couch. I realized after about 10 minutes of math that I took about 5% of what I should have shot inside of my penis. That makes sense. Only 5% of it got hard.

I know it sounds crazy, but I was like, but it works. I feel good. Now, this girl comes up tomorrow, and I know what the actual dosage is. I know it's sitting there.

I can make all of this work, go to bed, I'm calm, everything's great. I go downstairs in the morning, open my phone, cause she had given me her, her number, her real number. So I'm gonna text her to uh set up plans for her to come up here and see my chemically induced hard penis. I'm excited.

I mean, I'm not gonna tell her that part, but she's gonna be like, holy shit, this guy is hard all the time. What I'm so glad that I drove 2 hours all the way from Tulum to be with this stud. This is what I wish happened with that other guy that I went out with. Boy, was I right.

This is the best decision I ever made in my life. So you open your phone, right? So I opened my phone because I'm confidently like, Hey, when are you coming up here, because I got a hard cock waiting for you. In the fridge.

I open my phone, go to text her. She's gone, vanished. Wait, ghosted. She's off, off Tinder.

Her her profile was gone on Tinder. I thought she just didn't return your text. Text profile picture gone. Text unchecked, like blocked.

Tinder gone, vanished, ghosted again. 16 years of this shit, and I should know better. You should know better. You have those instincts.

This isn't real. This, you're being set up, you fucking idiot. So then you sit back and after I get pissed off about it because I can't believe I was fooled, question is, I'm crazier than she is or he is or whoever it was. And what led, because you had asked her some, what is your Instagram?

Well, that was the last question we were talking about was Instagram, and I was like, What's your Instagram? And she's like, I haven't used. It in a while and that was the last message before I went to sleep and then woke up, poof like Kaiser Soze, who's the crazy person, a person that's making up a life and leaning people on, or the random person that went to a pharmacy and shot drugs inside of his penis. There's equal amounts of crazy there.

I am crazy. She or he is crazy. Crazy. You were crazy for letting me do it.

It's, it's fun to go through the crazy every now and again because it just reminds you, it doesn't matter how long it's been, you're still, yeah, I still get fooled, man. Yeah, it's still all new and you know, everyone's going through the same stuff at whether it's 1 year or 16. I met some dude at the resort this week at RM. We spent some time with him, uh, really nice couple.

And he was actually having some erection problems, yeah, and they're like in year one. Yeah, it just didn't make sense to him. He just jumped into the lifestyle and the, the whole performance anxiety didn't really make sense to him. Like he didn't understand.

He was like, I took 50 Viagra last night. Like, don't do that again. It's not, if it doesn't work you didn't pass out. But, but I had a long talk with him and I told her I was like, I need you to listen to the next.

Episode because I have a story that you're not gonna fucking believe when it comes to this. So not know that you're not the only one. There are a lot of guys out there that that just are anxiety ridden over it. Crazy is everywhere, man.

Yeah, I embrace our little crazy. Well, anyway, if anybody wants to fuck, I still have half a vial left of this stuff. It goes bad in 22 months. I don't want it to go to waste.

It was like 50 bucks. It's got about 2 months shelf life in the fridge. If you need a really, really hard cock, let me know. Oh God, that sounds so naughty.

That is all. Can you hear me? I can hear you. Can you hear me?

I don't know. You know what I miss a lot is comfortable furniture. I'm in a chair that I'm trying not to make the back squeak. Everything I use in this Mexican house needs a pillow under it or over it or somewhere around it.

I can't seem to ever get comfortable. Do you want another pillow? No, that'd be too much pillow, baby, that's too much pillow. So hi.

Hi, how are you? I'm all right. Yeah, yeah, I'm pretty good. You're probably still anxiety ridden from almost getting killed at the resort.

You're almost murdered. How? Some lady. Oh my God, yeah, and I blame this one on me.

Yeah, you should. It's totally your fault. OK, well, that ends this episode. We gotta fill people in on how you're almost murdered.

Let's talk about how you're almost on Dateline. 48 hours desire. I'm gonna give you my version of the story. Well, I'm gonna tell you what I saw.

I was. For the first time in ever, we were approached by a woman who was like, you take your goddamn hands off of my husband or I'm gonna kill you. I don't think those words were said, but it was sort of like that. I was alone by myself with this happening, so like I ran out to you, giving you some sort of rapid.

Baseball signals. Like I need you to zip it and stop what you're doing talking to those people. I need you to come help meat. Yeah, you were having some problems and I said, what's wrong?

You said, that woman just pinched my arm. I don't know what you, what she did. She came out anyway. This is what happened.

You're almost murdered. Yeah, let's not negate that. Earlier we had seen a couple that we had seen before. And they were in the jacuzzi and we were in the jacuzzi.

We were hanging out with friends and they were just sort of floating around and doing their thing and whatever, you know, one thing leads to another and you're jerking off her husband with her, with her. Well, I know, I know. So you're in the hot tub and he was sitting on that those cement stools which feels a lot like what I'm sitting on now. And we, we're talking about the workshop or whatever.

He says we missed the man day or something like that. I don't know, and I tried to talk to her the whole day, you know, just to be nice because this, I know that this couple came to the workshop once they tried to come two other times, it was full, they couldn't get in. He has a very different personality than she has. It was odd to us that they were, they had this sort of.

disposition of stay away from us. Yeah, I actually got the opposite impression. Like I thought, wow, it's been enough times that we've met them. She's starting to warm up to me and I really believe that in the jacuzzi, and I thought that they were asking about a private because they seemed to keep missing the workshops.

That would have went over well. Yeah, I might have died when I. was, you know, explaining it and stuff and I was like, we, it's about slowing down and touching it. I started touching her first and just touching the arm and I was taking his hand and, and touching her and really looking at her and trying to connect with her so that when we did end up going to the cock and touching it together, I was like, we're bonding.

I truly believe that in my heart. You know, with this woman, she said, Well, maybe you can give me some pointers, and she started to jerk him off. You looked at me. I was like, Yeah, go ahead.

And then you put your hand on top of her hand, and I think maybe for a good 10 seconds, maybe, really no more than that. You were doing that with her. Now, everybody goes their own way. I don't know why I said Italian.

Everybody goes their own way. Everybody goes their own way. We start talking to our friends. They go back to whatever it is they were doing.

I don't really know. And, uh, and that was it. Now fast forward like 34, maybe even 5 hours later, you're in the discotheca. You're dancing or whatever it is you do.

I don't know what you do while you're in there. You walk outside and you start talking to somebody, and then this woman comes over to you and she pinches your arm and she says, Stay away from Mike. Husband, I saw you. You grabbed.

Now you weren't anywhere near him. No, they were actually on the dance floor, and I wasn't even dancing yet. I was still in the back trying to get a drink. We were walking out at that point.

We were walking out as like a foursome or something, and then someone stopped to ask me a question. So I kept walking because I like to leave you behind when you start talking because I don't, I don't have time to talk to every single person in the resort. Uh, I see you. You have panicked.

Guys, you come over to me and you're like, Hey, something weird is going on. I said, Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's, what's going on? You explain to me what just happened, and I, I said, Who, who did this? And I look over and it's that couple that was, that was in the hot tub.

I said, Oh well, I'll fix this. I know these people. Yes, surely there was a misunderstanding. But first, did you touch anybody?

And you're like, No, of course I didn't. Like, all right, so I walk over. I say, Hey, what seems to be the problem, ma'am? Like, Like a police officer, like I'm a, I'm a police officer on his beat at desire.

What seems to be the problem, man? That'd be awesome. She says, You stay away from my husband's cock, which I thought was an odd choice of words because she didn't really mention a lot, a lot about. Other parts of his body, she said, you stay away from my husband's cock.

Did she say, I know you want his cock? No. Oh well, she said, I know you have been after my husband every time we come to this resort. You have been after my husband.

She walks away. Then her husband starts walking away, and I look at him like, What's going on, man, because he's not saying anything. And she keeps walking, and then she turns around for her husband because I'm a moron. I look at her.

I'm like, Did you want to talk to me more? She's like, No, I'm waiting for him. Don't you dare leave me, not follow me. That's what she said.

That's right, she said, You better follow. You better follow me right now. And he did. He followed her, so we reconvened, and that was about it.

And we were like, I, I don't know what was happening. What happened in that jacuzzi replayed in her head. It was like she ate bad food, yeah, like bad mushrooms. Yeah, she ate some bad food.

That was the jacuzzi, and then it just didn't sit well with her. And then explosive mouth diarrhea. Yeah, that she had explosive mouth diarrhea, but it also made her hallucinate as to what happened when and how. That's the mushrooms.

Maybe she had a fever. I don't know. So we, we sat and we, we talked about it for a little bit and we're like, wait a minute, wait a minute, because this is really impossible, as I'm saying that out of my peripheral. I see her come back.

Now she's she's coming back for seconds. She came back, right, and I see her out of my peripheral. We're, we're still talking now she doesn't look angry. She doesn't look happy.

Like she looks like Nipsey. Like she lost her dog Nipsey. Where'd you go, Nipsey? That's how she was walking around the lobby, a little bit panicked, but not like on a rampage.

And then she walks and then she, she looks at us and then she goes into the discotheca and I was like, oh, I guess they've worked it out and he, he won't be far behind, and, uh, this is gonna be awkward for the rest of the night. So she comes out of the disco, comes back over to us. Her eyes were no joke though, and she says, I would like to talk to you too when you, when you have a minute. I felt like, excuse me, ma'am, can I pat you down first?

Here's where, where I again make a huge mistake, because after she says, Can I talk to you too? I think, here comes the apology. No, no, Here comes, you know what, she went back to her room, she thought about it and said to herself. You know what, I'm being absolutely ridiculous.

That happened hours ago and for some reason I made something up in my head that didn't happen and blame them for it. OK, I am ready for your apology in 321. Can I help you, ma'am? And she said.

Every time we come to this resort, you are after my husband's cock. You want my husband's cock. Stay away from my husband's cock. Then she throws this curveball, she says, every time, that time when you were here, you both touched his cock, and I looked at her for a second.

I'm like, I've done a lot of stuff. I cannot confirm or deny that that's true. So I say to her, Let's focus on tonight. I can't tell you what happened five months ago or past that.

Yeah, it's, I have no idea. I said, Look, lady, you need to take all of your imagination and all of your anger and all this stuff that you're making up in your head and go back to your room and tell your husband because I, I don't really, I don't wanna hear about your marital problems because that's basically. What this is, go take it back to your place, right? I can't help you, ma'am.

And she says, she looks at me, she says, I am not leaving. And I said, Well, I'm not leaving either. And we stood there and stared at one another while our friends are waiting for us and our friends are steps away. I'm like, Well, she's just gonna stand here anyway.

I think we ended it in a very mature way. I walk away and then she walks away, and it ended maturely like this. I said, You left, and she said, You left first. That was the best.

My leaving was only, was only 2 steps back. Your leaving was more dramatic and more down the lobby, so you actually left. So I did technically leave first, but I didn't. If had I known it was a staring contest and not a vicinity contest, like I would have held out a little bit longer.

I ran into the guy the next day of the, of the don't touch my husband's cock. I ran into the cock part of that equation. Uh, literally, I, I go into the bathroom and he comes in and now again, I expect he's gonna be like, hey man, yo, like, um, she's just really drunk last night, sorry about that, or whatever, right? Well, he did say, I'm sorry.

He said, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. He said, I'm sorry about 900 times, and I was like, no, no, no, it's all cool, it's all cool. I was like, look, we just, we don't wanna upset anybody. We don't wanna make.

Anyone feel the way she felt. I, I, we don't understand really what was going on in her head. What we do want to know, is everything OK right now? She said, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, she's totally fine.

OK. And I say, all right, well, I just want to make sure, you know, cause we're gonna be around here. I said, I just want to make sure that it's not gonna happen again. She says, I, I don't know.

I hope not. Oh God, I hope it's not. Bless his heart. You just, I hope not.

No. Next time don't touch his cock. Just his asshole. Don't touch his asshole.

So we had talked about dealing with crazy inside the lifestyle because you know the first misstep for me in that particular situation is trying to get her on my side right and now it's just like ego and you're like I'm gonna make her like me. I'm gonna make her like me. I want, you know, her husband's this and he's nice, nice guy. I always laugh and joke with him and I just want her to like me, always listen to your instincts, even if you feel like something's not just isn't.

Right, don't even get involved a little bit because getting that kind of resistance, there's obviously something wrong. Just sometimes crazy is crazy. Relationship problems are one thing, and then there's crazy, and there's that crazy that's drunk crazy, which is even crazier than crazy. The next night we're confronted with a couple that we've known for a while, and they were fighting.

It was crazy. Like she was off the deep end. He was insanely calm. Right, I know, right?

I at one point tried to get in the middle and fix it or help them fix their problem, not in a very, you're right, you're wrong. I, I just tried to say, how can we squash this right now? And she was talking to me, uh. I mean, first of all, I thought she was gonna punch me in the face just because, not because I was making her angry, because she was so angry.

I thought she was gonna punch me in the face. She was like in my face explaining her position, which, by the way, her body's pretty hot, right, and I love her boobies, yeah, really sexy, right? So she's screaming at me, but it's naked in the jacuzzi and she's sort of rubbing up against me. And I'm kind of getting turned on and at the same time I keep looking at him who's across the way on a bed and I'm holding my hands up in the air.

Because I'm kind of getting turned on because she's rubbing up against me, but I'm holding my hands up like not touching her, not touching her. Don't get mad at me too. You got good instincts on that one. I did, yeah, the hands up part, yeah, I was like, I am not getting turned on.

I was a little bit. I'm not getting turned. I'm not touching her under the water. Your penis is just like rising up.

Well, she kept like, I don't know, she just felt good. She's screaming and I'm feeling her titties rub up against my chest. And I'm like, ah, she feels really soft. It's so stupid.

No, it's not stupid. It's just there's so much wrong with you. Thank God I did that because there was a guy that got up close to her about an hour later, and he came into the jacuzzi like a dolphin and went right over and got really angry. My instinct should have told me, just don't get involved.

Don't go in there and try to say something good. Don't try to get them to make up. I mean, I should have left it where I left it, which was don't. Make any decisions tonight.

And then then went on my merry way, but I don't know. That's my advice for, for crazy. Remember meeting the crazy Russian guy that I said we shouldn't go anywhere near him and then smash cut to us in his room where he's smashing a bottle up against the wall and cuts all of our feet like tiptoeing out and bleeding. Like I knew sometimes I'm like, but how crazy.

It's just hard to deal with crazy inside of the, the lifestyle. Speaking of crazy, did you, did you want to hear something crazy that happened to me in the workshop? Is it the story that you already told me? Yeah, which one?

The gum? That's not crazy. Just because you have you sat in gum. I didn't sit on it.

Someone dropped their gum while I was bent over in my legs. That's what you get for working naked. It's a hazard. All right, what room are you in?

Uh, 62. All right, we are here with room 62. And so when you, when you encounter crazy, fucking crazy people, uh, how do you than my wife, other than, than your wife, who pretty fucking crazy. The hot crazy scale we get 10s across the board.

Yeah, so how do you deal with crazy? The other girl tried to fight me over Drew flirting with another girl, because I like to watch. I like to watch, we're at a club. I look over, this girl grabs me behind the dress and goes, You better think about what you guys are doing.

And I'm like, I'm watching my husband flirt with a girl because I told him to. What are you doing? He's so good. Like, I don't deal with conflict.

I don't deal with like very well, but he's so good. Like, like he handles everything well. How do you usually handle crazy or drama? Um, I just kind of like pull, I like, what I'll do is I'll, but if there's a party or something, I'll just like pull everything aside.

I'm like, hey, listen, like this isn't working. If it's really bad, I'll like, hey, listen, you have to go. Um, everyone knows. I was like, I have my princess is my princess and everyone else is second.

So if there's like an issue, a drama, something going on, I'll just, I have no problem flat out being like, hey, listen, like you need to go. My wife's actually a horny 13-year-old boy. It's actually what my wife is. So we, we'll be like, all right, we're not hooking up with her again.

All of a sudden the door knocks. I go, Babe, what happened? She goes, Well, like she looked pretty last night. I was like, No.

But anyway, so how does he handle crazy? I'm the craziest bitch in the world. Hey, it's Richard here and Lauren. Hi, hello.

So you guys, are we allowed to know that you're in Vegas? You are allowed to know we're in Vegas, or is everybody, is anybody else allowed to know you're in Vegas? Yeah, that's fine except for those CIA operatives. No, we don't know any that we know of.

I mean, if they're really good CIA operatives, you shouldn't know. Yeah, we don't know that they're CIA operatives. So we, we just got a text from you guys and Lauren said that you're up some money. Yeah, we had a good day today.

Did you bet on the Eagles? We, well, I'm a Bears fan, so no, I lost my, I lost everything I bet on that. Why would you bet against Saint Nick Foles. No, they do say he's got like a 10-inch cock.

Sometimes that's how he throws the ball. Yeah, his nickname is Big Dick Nick. Is it really? Yeah, no, yeah, Google that.

You'll find, yeah, that's the truth. Now I have to end this interview and just go Google Nick Foles cock. I, I think it's fun what kind of facts my husband knows. That proves there's no God because a guy like me should have a giant cock, not him that's got everything else.

I agree with you, my friend. In fact, in fact, not only do I agree with you, I know that there's a celibate monk out there somewhere with a, with a giant cock. All right, well, welcome to room 77. We're really happy you guys are one of the people that wrote a review on iTunes, and I'm gonna just read that review quickly so that our listener knows it says, you two are still fairly new to the podcast world, but have definitely figured it all out.

Now that first statement. It got us on the show. Yeah, it did. It did.

But I gotta tell you, we, we don't have much figured out. All right. 2nd, 2nd part, you say they bring whimsical and witty banter mixed in with short interviews with the resort guests in each episode. That part is true, whimsical.

I don't know how witty, kind of stupid. Next, next part is they give you a real feel for the lifestyle and the resort without being pedantic. Now, we love that word pedantic. We still are not sure how to use it in a sentence, so we're assuming that you did use it correctly.

I solely basing that on my Google interpretation of the, the definition of the word. I am with you. I have to keep Googling it because we still are like, wait, is that right? Uh, honey, I'm talking to you.

Your tit is hanging out again. You're a whore. All right. And then the last part, it says the only thing better than listening is seeing them in person.

Now, I, I'm gonna go on a limb. Mostly me. When we, when we took your seminar and, and I, I remember Lauren, Lauren coming over to us. I do not remember you being there.

You may have been. All right, moving on to the next segment. So this is what we're gonna do. We don't really know where you fall on the, on the swinger scale, but we came up with a little chart for ourselves.

Here's what you can wind up with. You can wind up with vanilla, vanilla curious, vanilla swirl, swinger double D, which is a deep. Denial swinger, a semi-flaccid swinger, a full-blown full swap swinger, or a walking orgasm. We're gonna ask you a few questions and we're gonna try to determine where you fall on that scale and what your swinger footprint is, sort of like a carbon, sort of like a carbon footprint.

Lauren, do you want to begin with these two lovely people, and then we're gonna get into where you are and what the fuck you're doing. OK, so first question, are you guys married? Yes. OK, hesitation there.

I need my pen. I need my pen. You gotta write this. I have to write numbers down that don't mean anything.

All right, we're married. I'm giving them 3 points. OK. How long have you been together?

18 years. 18 years. No, married 18 years. Been together 20 years.

Oh, I'm taking off 4 points then. No. All right, I'm giving them 17 points for that. Do you sleep naked?

Yes. How many points do they get for the naked one? They get 15 points. 15 points.

All right, 15. All right, here's a question I got for you. Do you have a jacuzzi anywhere in your house or on your property? Oh, that's -5.

-5. OK OK, this one is a multiple choice. How often do you go to bars or clubs? A, never.

B, at least once within the last 6 months. Or C, you have to wrap up this interview because you're next on the poll. When's the last time you You or your wife got a lap dance. Oh shit yesterday.

All right, yesterday, that's 100 it's 190 points for that answer that. There you go. All right, next question. How many apps on your phone require a password to open?

22. All right. OK, so what percentage of photos can people see from your vacations? A 25%, B 50%, or C, we tell people we dropped our phone in the pool.

A 25%. The last time we went to Mexico, we stayed at the Ritz the night before and took a whole bunch of photos to show people. Now you just told everyone your secret. All right, I don't even know if I have to go on with any more of these questions.

All right, so I am gonna add up my, hold on. I'm gonna go. I was even gonna go with that one. No, no, that's wrong.

You're wrong. I am going to say that you two fall under full-blown, full swap swingers with a swinger. Footprint of 557. That's close.

Probably. Are you, are you less than that? Are you a semi-flaccid swinger? Not semi flaccid, a deep denial swinger.

In the last, how many months would we have moved up the rank? How many times have you been with other partners within the last two months? 220 yeah, you guys are whores. I mean, there's really no, there's, I mean, come on, I, I don't even think we've been with 22 couples in the last two months, but there is a.

Caveat, they were our 1st 20, all right. So that's my next question. Now. Now how long have you been doing this?

Uh, we went to Pearl, which was our first hole in the water back in May. You do the percentage on that. What is that, like 20% a year? Yeah, we're on fire.

Yeah, you are. You're doing it. Like there's no way we could keep up with this pain. No, you'll be fine.

I, I, I can, I can feel it in you guys. Now right now you're not in where you live, but you're, you're visiting. Vegas right now, right? Have you been to Vegas since you've been in the lifestyle?

First time. Does it feel different now that you walk around, you're like, 00, him, Oh her? Yeah, we, we definitely, you definitely start looking at people, you know, you're sitting at the sports book bar having a drink or playing poker machines. You kind of look over and you, you have other feelings than probably what you did before.

Yeah, and Vegas is dangerous like that because everybody seems like they wanna have sex with you. Well, I can't speak for my wife, but I'm pretty sure everybody does want to have sex with me. I can only hear you and I wanna have sex with you. Let's turn the conversation back to me now.

When you guys came, you did, you do, you did one or two of the workshops. One, we did the female. Did we talk? Did you talk to me or Lauren?

No, not really. I knew you were an A-list celebrity and I was really intimidated, yeah. A for asshole. Um, so you didn't really, you didn't really talk to us honestly, the day that we went to your seminar, that was our, that was day one, right?

Like we got there at 10 in the morning and that was to the seminar at 2, and that was our first time ever being at a resort like that or being. Close to lifestyle even so we were um as quiet as little church mice and we right now we stepped up to the back of the room like I'm gonna just sneak over here in the corner because that way no one will see me. Did I say anything to you? You know, you were very, very standoffish.

You probably scared me. Those yellow bands are scary. All right, so we didn't, so we definitely did not have sex with you. No, no, she hesitated.

Yeah, you did. Well, so I did because I did hesitate. Wait a minute. No, I, but I heard about sex with you.

You did. We know people that spent time with you. Oh this is getting very interesting. We told, we're like, Wait, you have to see this couple.

They'll come out tomorrow, blah blah blah, and they'll tell about what they do. Oh no, we pumped you guys up and then they like, I've got you. I got you this gig like probably as good as any manager you've worked with in LA. You pimped us out.

I totally pimped your asses out. All right, we don't have to know who because we don't really believe in kiss and tell, but they obviously did. Yeah, they obviously do. I stayed awake longer than I ever would have only to hear more details, and we're obviously not that good of a lay anyway.

I don't know. This is what scares me. Was it a good time? Was it because you never know with us.

I think they enjoyed. Shit, I think everybody was happy. Now I'm turning red. You can't see it.

No, I think, no, you got, everybody got good reviews. We're gonna, so wait, how did you guys wind up at Desire? It, it was me and, and we had, we'd kind of, you know, talked about doing some stuff, lifestyle and this and that, and then I looked it up and we were, we had both heard it on a, on a different podcast about desire, and then I just told her, I said, hey, if I booked something adults only, would you be up for it? And she said, yeah, and so that gave me the green light to go ahead and do it.

About the week before I started freaking out. Ah, the pen. I got in the lobby and was pretty sure I was gonna puke right there in the lobby. We got sat us down, gave us our little flutes of champagne.

We were both about to throw up all over the, the lobby. Oh no, a couple of hours later, yeah, 8 hours later we're in your seminar. I'm guessing you guys are still together, so that's so far, yeah, that's a good sign. Is there anything that sort of blown you away as far as you never thought that it would be like this, or is there a negative side where you're like we didn't really, we didn't see that part of it coming?

Thing is learning the same room and versus separate rooms or playing like that's been a learning curve for us. You have a preference. So I thought I did. So I thought I would want two rooms, and um I discovered quickly I did not.

You thought you wanted to be in separate rooms. I did. I did. Confuses me.

I like, I know, maybe did it confuse you? I don't care. It's like whatever makes you happy, baby. What was it that about, was it less pressure because he wasn't there, or what, what was it that made you drawn to separate rooms at first?

We were with a couple that preferred separate rooms, and we kind of just went with it and thought, well, maybe that will, no, I actually think I pushed that, OK, but they liked it too, yeah, they, they liked. When, when did you realize? You were wrong. Immediately for me, I realized that was the wrong decision.

I was already in the midst of it, yeah, somewhere in the thrusting is where you decide. Yes. And how was your experience in with her in, in the other room separately? It was OK, but having done it both ways now, I, I much prefer the same room.

What made you prefer in your mind to be? Alone, what was it that made you think I would rather be alone? I thought maybe it would be a disconnect. Like it would almost just be sex.

I get that. It just like it just wasn't as intimate that way and it wasn't something we shared. Well, yeah, then you're nothing, then you're just like getting it over with. It was a terrible fucking decision.

She should have called me, Karen. Everybody's Karen and Jeff. Karen, you should have called me. Such like a different fun part of my life that I feel like I can separate it.

Yeah, yeah, maybe I thought I could do that. It wasn't the case. It's like it's just more of a free pass sex thing instead of like a foursome feeling, yeah, and that togetherness is an intimacy that I mean waxes and wanes over 20 years, right, and has brought more back and more conversation and more honesty than probably ever, right? Yeah, it opens up a lot, makes Vegas real different, doesn't it?

Yeah, we're with a group of friends and, and they all. Leave tomorrow. So how long are you gonna be alone in Vegas after they leave, your friends? Oh, that's enough to get in trouble.

That's enough. All right, now, do you guys have any, any questions or anything that you wanted to ask us or talk to us about? We were discussing you and your podcast, and this was, I don't know, 1st of December, and I looked up on I am. I'm like, oh my gosh, you need to record Nanny for Christmas.

Oh God. How was it filming Nanny for Christmas? Those movies are crap. So I mean they're just absolute crap.

I don't even think I read it. I just, they just asked, Will you do this for this amount of money? And I said, Yeah, I'll do it because I needed the cash. The best thing that I got out of that was meeting, uh, Emmanuel Vuger, which, which is the, the co-star, and that's where I met her.

I wound up doing another crap movie with her like two years later, but she wound up of being one of my close friends, uh, and hung hung out with me and Lauren. And uh was Dean Kane in that movie? Yes, he was. I think Dean Kane is supposed to have a giant cock too.

He's talking about his house in Tuscany and all the places he travels and because he owned like that show, Believe it or not, Ripley's Believe It or Not or something, so he had more money than God. And I just remember him talking to me with his handsome fucking face and thinking all of your money and you have a. Giant cock, I know you do because people talk about it. So there's another one for the list, yeah, him and Nick Foles.

All right, you hot, sloppy swingers, have fun with the rest of your trip. Please try to have sex with somebody before you leave Vegas because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, so you do whatever you want there. That sounds good. It was great talking to you guys.

Your podcast is great, and I, I travel a lot for work and listen to different podcasts and stuff, and there's some that. Some people that get it and know how to do it and make the audio worthwhile to listen to and have good content and and you guys have definitely tuned into that so you're doing a great job. Thank you. Thank you so much.

So even to the same if you've been comparing it to other lifestyle or similar podcasts, like it's just so much more relaxed and truthful, I feel like, and it doesn't feel preachy and you're not saying you need to do this. There's a genuine interest that you. We still have been learning how people get it into the lifestyle and how it works for them, and I feel like it's just much more honest. And anytime you make Lauren laugh, it brightens up the whole thing.

She's got the greatest laugh in the world. Thanks so much. Thanks for writing the review. Thanks for being such good sports and doing this with us, and thanks you for listening and make sure to tell all your disgusting friends about us, please.

We will do it. We'll do it. We'll get you more dates. Yay.

Bye bye. What room are you staying in? 2101. Can you give me the definition of the word pedantic?

No. Do you know the definition of the word pedantic? No, I don't. Anyone here know that I'm getting a bunch of nodding nos.

What room are you in? Do you know what the word pedantic means? I could pretend to, but something to do with feet. Can you spell the word pedantic?

P E D A N T I C. That might be correct. What room are you staying in here now? We are at 2502 here, but when you're a Pearl, what room do you love?

We love 77. Yeah, you do. All right, if you had to lie and use it in a sentence, what would you say? Please pedantic.

Doesn't work, but you're pretty enough that I'll take it. All right, what room are you in? 150. Do you know what the word pedantic means?

Do you know what the word pedantic means of a long or like excessively long or descriptive. Did you just look it up? I actually did Google it. What room are you guys in?

211. Can you tell me what the word pedantic? It means absolutely not. Do you know what the word pedantic means?

No, I do not. No guess. Could you so I'm guessing you couldn't use it in a sentence. I could bullshit you.

That's bullshit. Let's say use pedantic in a sentence just to guess. I'm very pedantic when I drink too much. That is true, actually.

All right, so what have we learned to recognize crazy and try to not get involved in crazy. Yeah, try not to because you can't make friends with everybody. And if you see that woman and that man again, please don't touch his penis because she's gonna murder us in our sleep. I just, I felt, I felt really bad.

You didn't do anything wrong. I know, but I, I know. I know, but I felt bad trying to think I could win her over. Some people you can't.

You just, and I just have to walk away from it. You're just never gonna win as, as hard as you try. If somebody really just doesn't wanna like you for a made up reason, then they don't wanna like you. So because that's why they're making.

Have a reason to do so. I just need you to stay away from his cock. Don't you touch his cock because you want his cock. Also, relationships, you can fix relationships in the middle of a lifestyle situation.

So just say something vague and nice. Tell them you love them and back away. We also learned that so we don't like to kiss and tell, but apparently some people do about us. So that's all right.

Uh, no one knows what the word pedantic means except for bed hoppers. All right, what else? We got another Patreon supporter for someone who just decided to give us $5 for no reason whatsoever. I love it, Carl.

Thank you, Carl. Why are you sending money to strangers? We're gonna have to have a talk about this. Alright, yeah, thank you for that.

The affiliate again, if you book through Desire and you go to our website, please try to book through us. It's how we get money to buy guns and drugs, so go check us out. Maybe more penis injections. I don't know.

Yeah, maybe we'll put that as part of the package. I'll just throw it in the gift bags. Oh my God, that'd be awesome. Not a bad idea.

Thanks guys. And that about does it for us. For more information, photos, or to contact us, go to room 77 podcast.com. Thanks for stopping by room 77.

We had a blast. Now get your clothes and get out.