Ep. 35: How To Have Sex with an Unstable Vanilla

This podcast contains explicit content, language, and sexual situations. It is intended for adults 18 years of age and older. These thoughts and opinions expressed are not those of any specific employer, group, or individual. And with the rat race, we decided to sell everything and move to Cancun, Mexico.

Now we do it. Love work, party, and play in the middle of paradise after 18 years in the lifestyle, we thought we saw it all, but we were so wrong, so wrong. Oh my God, so wrong. Now we want to share the fun that we get to have every day.

So come to room 77. Let's play. All right, Lauren. Yes, Richard, I don't know why I'm screaming.

You know, you do that on, uh, Zoom calls because I wanna get everybody's attention. Well, you do it like that your laptop is far away and you scream at it so much so that I, when I was down feeding the iguana Godzilla, he was like, I don't know if I wanna get these graves of a man yelling stairs. Yeah, I literally am turning into my father more and more every day. I don't need speakerphone with him.

He literally just screams everything into the phone so loud that I could just set it down and hear it on normal. I try to tell you something like, hey, guess what my father just said, and you're like, I already heard it. Everyone can hear it. I'm like, I know he said blah blah blah, and you're like, you heard him say that.

That's OK. But first I wanna say everyone really enjoyed you and I'm gonna put you guys in the same category. Both you and Eminem dropped a song in the same month, and, uh, yours had a little Hamilton take. Eminem's was about, I don't know, bitches or something, but both of you, I think, climbed the charts rather quickly, so well done.

On that, I, I just wanna say again, I thought it was amazing. I really did. I was really surprised because I hadn't heard it until you recorded it. So thank you for that.

We all enjoyed it. Also, thank you so much. We got a lot of outpouring of love and support after, so we want to thank everybody in general just for reaching out and saying, hey guys, that sucks, and we love you. That really meant a lot to me anyway, just how you guys feeling went a whole way.

So getting off to a horrible start, which is Sort of my forte. It's, uh, if anybody didn't know already, B works for us, so we now pay B a nominal fee to do small little tasks for us that we have otherwise a hard time getting done. Uh, we're supporting her a little bit, not a lot, but a little bit, and, uh, she's helping us a lot, mostly with Spanish and some, some other things, uh, here in Mexico. The thing is, is I have this little rule that I.

I don't like to sleep with employees. That's sort of my thing now. This is a problem. Is it your rule or an HR rule?

Um, we don't have, we don't have an HR department, but our HR department wouldn't have a rule against it. It'd be OK. It'd be OK in our company, OK. Sexual harassment.

I don't know, it's all crossed out for some reason. What is it, redacted? Yes, it's all redacted. Just sign right here.

In fact, how you sign this harassment form is we're gonna need a photocopy of your ass on the photocopy machine. That's, that's how you accept the agreement. So yeah, so she's been working for us. Here's the problem with that.

I, I really do don't want to like take advantage of her, and I don't know what people think about the three of us, but we are not always having sex. We barely ever are sexual in any way, shape or form. Now the problem with this is. That B happens to be a very extremely horny individual.

Like she does not stop thinking about sex, right? And I am kind of a worker bee. Like I'm working, working, working, and it's like, Bee, get your fucking hand off my penis right now, please stop. All the men right now are just like pulling over to the side of the road.

Richard, do you realize that? I, I, I know they're, they're gonna hate me because, A, absolutely true, B, she works in her panties. B, she works in her panties all day long because it's fucking hot here. It's like, oh, Richard must be the gay guy working in the office.

I don't know why this is happening, but the truth is, is my sort of ethics in like, I don't really wanna take advantage. It feels very like, I don't know, it feels harassmenty to me anyway, so it's like I try to draw this little line as thin as it may be. So, and then on top of that, right, is a lot of stress. I'm under a lot of stress, and when I'm under a lot of stress and you're under a lot of stress, my libido just goes away.

So we were sitting here one night and we are watching, well, I'm sorry, I, you and me are on the couch doing, I have no idea what, I know what I was doing, and I hope the, the listener can appreciate this. I was watching Edge of Tomorrow. Now, if you don't know what Edge of Tomorrow is, Edge of Tomorrow is a, a movie with Tom Cruise and Emily Blunt. It's a great movie to watch, and I've seen it about.

57 times. Seriously, if you see it in the thing, it's one of those few movies that you can start at any time, you meaning you specifically, and you do, you will literally stop it in the guide and just start. And for me, golden retriever with a squirrel. As soon as I see that movie, I just stop what I'm doing and I start staring at Edge of Tomorrow.

And here's why, right? Because it's a tiny little short film. It's the Same scene kind of over and over and over again. Very exciting.

Gives you a lot of entry points to start the film. It's never get lost. It's amazing, and I will watch it every single time it's on. Now, we have B sitting next to me.

I don't know, again, I don't know what you guys are doing, and she is extra, extra horny tonight, and I'm like, really watching this movie right now. I, I get it, and she's point blank at this point came out, she was so sexually frustrated at me at this point, was like, Richard, I need to fuck. Now, mind you, I'm just gonna interject on my behalf. This is something that rarely comes out of Lauren's mouth.

I'm not that person that says I need to fuck. I say, Do you wanna fuck? I'd like to fuck. It's very like optimistic and optional, right?

If you've seen bee, you can go look at her. What's her Twitter? Uh, it's at just_honeybee at just. Underscore honeybee.

So just take a moment, go look at her, pause if you need to come back here and imagine that girl looking at you saying, Richard, I need to fuck, regardless if your name is Richard or not. It doesn't really matter. It doesn't matter at this point. Now, most normal men would change their name to Richard, right, and just be like, let's go.

What comes out of my mouth is, I really want to see the end of this movie. I kind of heard myself like what the fuck is wrong with you? I was gonna say, and then you move from the couch to the ottoman so that you can sit closer to the TV out of her touchy touchy petty petty paws reach and we're like looking at each other like, should we go jogging, or do you think like we can entertain ourselves like what's happening tonight? I mean, honestly, this is the fifty-seventh time I've seen.

This film, you know how it ends, Richard. I do. I say to her, I will fuck you when this movie is over. But the truth is I'm also a little bit scared.

I'm a little intimidated. I always get this way, but I say, All right, you ladies wanna fuck, and you're included in this. You're like, Yeah, let's all, let's all go fuck. Let's do it.

We haven't done it in a long time. Let's do it. So, uh, I said, All right, I'm gonna go upstairs and shower because that's sort of my thing. I like to smell fresh, and, uh, I go up there.

I lay in the bed. And I'm like, oh, I'm getting nervous, I'm getting nervous. So I lie down on the bed naked. Now I know you guys are down on the 1st floor, I'm in the bedroom on the 3rd floor, and I start texting you, honey, I'm really nervous.

I don't know if I can do this. I really don't. And you're like, well, don't worry about it, no pressure. I'm like, I'm gonna try.

I'm just gonna try it. I'm gonna get hard up here. So I immediately take like 7 Viagra, and I start stroking myself, right? Now, once I'm hard, and I'm stroking myself, my brain immediately goes, where?

These bitches, you text me again. You send me a WhatsApp. I send you a WhatsApp that flips 180 and's like, get up here and suck my cock, right? So now I'm in fuck mode and I go to town, not so much on you because you wanted to sort of just lay back and watch, you lazy bitch, right?

But I went to town on B. I fucked her like really, like she wanted, right? And I try really hard again. She's really young.

I'm out of shape, don't really know what I'm doing, so I just try really hard. Again, I'm in the same circumstances as I was in the last podcast where the lovely beautiful lady said, I want to be on top of you, which from what I hear afterwards because we had a conversation, this is a happy position for most women, yes, because it hits the right spot. Well, yeah, because you get to, most penises will fit inside you just fine. Yours is a bit long, so it's hard, but you can also have that internal feeling and be riding your clit on that pubic bone right there and it feels really good.

So it's a win-win for us. All right, great. This is honestly 40-something years. Uh, I give myself a break for at least 10 of those.

Never really had that information. It's because we don't do it that way. Now here's the problem. I've always, and I brought this up in Q&As that we had done with, with guests, and the question was that I had asked for a guest was, am I the only person who is afraid when in reverse cowgirl or in when the Girls on Top that your dick is gonna break?

Not one person answered yes. I was in a pool all by myself. I'm the only one, but I have this fear, so I'm gonna bring you back. So you're, you're crunching your penis right now as you're talking about this.

I am, and I'm, I'm gonna tell you why. Uh, I don't know if you know this, but I used to be an actor, and in the beginning phases of my life, I started by doing some commercials. It's a true story. Found myself in Boston doing a, I think a.

Car commercial in Boston the night before I had to do this car commercial, uh, me and the other actor, I don't know who it was, uh, he says, You want to go out and get a drink? I said, Yeah, let's go out and get a drink. So we go, we get a drink, and we're drinking beers like, you know, frat guys, like guys do. Yeah, you're such a beer drinker.

Yeah, and, uh, we're sitting at this bar and he's telling me. A story, and it's a sex story and it's about him fucking some woman and tells me that while he was fucking her, he broke his penis while he was fucking her and had to go to the hospital and I, I was on the floor. I almost passed out. Are you serious?

Yeah, I almost passed out to the point where he had to help me back up. Uh, that's how squeamish I am. I know you're that squeamish. I just didn't know you were on the floor in a bar.

That's even more squeamish, but I am also a germaphobe. I never passed out, but I was down. Like I had to take a knee because I was about to fall, uh, and that scarred. For life.

So here we are now, back to present, and Bee wants to be on top of me. Now, I don't know if you've ever seen Bee's ass, right? She has the ass of like a gymnast maybe, or like a little baby linebacker. Like she plays for the Colts, right?

I mean, her ass is just, yeah, baby cult, like, like it's tiny, but it's all fucking muscle, right? So as soon as I turn over and she's on top of me and she takes my cock and she puts it in there, she starts doing that thing with that women with really fantastic asses do where they just sort of twerk on top of you. Now you had brought up. The length of my penis, I think that's one of the problems.

So, it starts to like bend, and I start to sweat profusely because I feel like tonight's the night my penis breaks. So I grab the back of her ass, right? And we're fighting now for control. She's trying to do her thing and I'm trying to control this little baby linebacker of fucking my cock, right?

Uh. Now, I right now, because we have been sick and out of work, we have not had access to a gym. A lot of my muscles have shrunk. I just told you today that my legs look like I was in a coma and there was a nurse just doing mobility for me for the past 7 months or so.

That's what my legs look like. Like they're little bird legs right now, right? When it comes to B the Richard, B is gonna fucking kick my ass. So, she's fucking, she's slamming down on the couch, slam, slam, slam, slam.

So finally I go, I can't do this. Stop it. I can't fuck on my back. And she looks at me and she's like, why?

I just get on your back or I'll take your doggie. Um. She said, Why can't you fucking your back? I, I'll tell you later, right?

Don't get me out of my heart zone. I'm already losing it, right? Yeah, uh, where is she? Is she here?

Where is she? Maybe masturbating. I don't. She's probably masturbating.

What is she downstairs in the other room? Actually, I wanna talk to her. I wanna talk to her. Go get, go get her.

Go and get a pulse. All right, here she comes in her panties, of course, because that's how she works. It's her uniform. Hello, B.

hello, hello there. Just almost ate the microphone. You'll get used to it. It's not a penis.

I keep telling you that. So we had talked about that night that you almost broke me in half. Now I am not here to talk about what a fantastic lover I am. I am not here.

To talk about your thoughts that I have ruined you for any other man. That is not why we're here right now. Right now, this time, this time. Has anyone in your life ever stopped you while you were on top and said, Hey, stop.

I feel like you may break my penis? Never, never, ever. You're the first person that I felt I was giving CPR to. Because I was like, I wanted to stay on top and he was just pushing me.

Yeah, because I was afraid at that point because your butt is like a little superpower with great power comes great responsibility. OK, yeah. You were jackhammering me. Did you see her twerking on me?

Where, where were you? I like that view of a woman. on top of you and being able with your legs spread a little bit and especially with her rock star ass it's such a hot thing. Like I'm sure it looks cool, super hot.

It looks awesome to you. Does it feel better for you being in that position? Is that your favorite position? No, it's not my favorite, but I like taking control sometimes.

Dude, you started choking me. Uh, yeah, because you were pushing me. Yeah, we were in a little fight. Oh, I missed this.

Yeah, I couldn't see that because I was blocked. It was like the porn version of West Side Story. A lot of hip thrusts and jazz hands. That's always good.

A little fosse never hurt anybody. This is what I have to know. This is what I have before I kick you out of here, OK. This is what I have to know before, regardless of me bouncing you off.

Saying get off me. You're out of here, lady. Did you have a good time? I did see, you had a good time.

Are you happy that you were horny and you said, I need to fuck tonight, Richard. I am going, we are going to fuck because I need it. Are you happy with yourself? Yeah, you are a very difficult person to convince.

I think difficult person could end that sentence right there. I don't think you really need to go on. That's it. Yeah, well, I've been asking for many days, and finally you said yes, so of course I'm happy.

You know what, you can't have too much of this, B. Oh my God, it, it gets addictive. Um, so before I kick you out of here because we have to finish this, are you enjoying your, your job here at the, uh, Room 77 offices? Yes, yes, I get to have sex.

I can't hang out in my panties. Today we took a photo of me working. Really hard, which was a photo of me asleep on the couch in her thong. We just, I posted it on Patreon.

It was like we just finished a conference call and, uh, she had had enough. She needed a break. It's like Google here, you know what I mean? It's just like you just open office space.

You just do what you want, except everybody's in their underwear. All right, B, you're amazing as always. Get back to doing whatever it is you were doing, OK? And we'll talk later.

And can we have sex later too? Not tonight. I'm sorry. I'm busy.

Anyway, the rest was fun. I wound up fucking you afterwards while she watched with a vibrator and I came inside of you hoping in 9 months we'll have a little bundle of joy. It's my hopes because I, I'd hope for different things, but I just wanna bring a little bundle of joy into this particular world that we live in. I think it'd be such a great year.

Oh, I'd be super healthy. The last thing I wanna do is bring a child into this world right now. The world is horrible. It's on fire.

So then afterwards we spent a lot of time lying on the bed, and I was giving you demonstrations of my penis and the shape of my penis. And what it feels like, and I was like, now here's my penis, this is your vagina, B, this is how you are fucking me, and this is how my penis feels. Now, the look that you guys were giving me was like, nothing you're saying makes sense to me. Do you understand, or does anyone out there understand what I'm talking about?

Because I really, I do feel a little bit insane. So I feel like you think when we go up a wave off of you it's gonna slip out just enough and when we come back down it's gonna end up in our perineum something taint something where it gets squished bent bent. Didn't we meet someone at the resort who'd had that or a friend? I swear we did, but I don't know who it was.

I, I need someone. To please, I feel like I'm doing an ASPCA commercial. Someone please reach out and help Richard. There I am chained to a fence.

Someone help me because I feel a little bit insane on this one. I was trying to, when you were talking about it, I was like, OK, I get it for cowgirl, not down, because I feel like you should be able to handle that reverse cowgirl. I was like, OK, I sort of get what you're saying because your penis is long and it has that natural curve. So if I'm reverse, it's curving opposite, and I feel like I would be not as good at judging my.

Up and down skills and it, I could sit on it, right, but I don't think are you getting squeamish by me just talking a little bit. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. I understand what you're saying, but I don't think any woman ever gets on top of a guy and ever the thought, I'm just gonna make sure I don't break his penis comes into their head it mean break your penis? The cartilage tears and breaks.

Is it like break you break your nose, it's still cartilage, or right, I guess, yeah. But it, I, I can't imagine it feels good. A deviated semen. Now you're just making up words.

I don't know if, if it's true or, or not. All right, well, we'll have to put you in your medical school to do more research. I can't Google broken penis because of fear of what I'm going to read or see. I've thought about it, but I won't do it.

Why? Yeah, I think you need to do it for our listener. Mm, no, it brings me right back to that bar in Boston. We were drinking beers and whiskey, listening to Neil Diamond.

I don't know what we were listening to. Just wanted something to sound manly. Yeah, Neil Diamond's always all right, I'll try it again. When we, when I was in that bar.

In Boston, drinking beer and whiskey, listening to Elton John. No, I think that, uh, I don't know if I'm crazy, but I would appreciate the listeners' advice here or if anybody, this has happened or they have a fear of it at the very least, I would like to hear something. Anyway, speaking of anuses, it is that time for us to creep on someone, and we are creeping on these people using altplayground.net. If you wanna hook up with some really, really hot hotties, go over to altplayground.net.

Check that site out. They just took over a bunch of other sites, so it added, I think, I, 17 million people. Now that number has a plus or minus accuracy of 52.8 million. I a standard deviation of 7, so we don't know where that number.

Yeah, just don't take our word for it. Just go check it out. They are bringing more people on every month and doing really cool stuff over there. And right now I'm looking at one very hot couple now.

I would say you say that I said, I said one profile, but it is their profile name also one very hot couple, all one word. I am staring at 3 pictures here. I would like to do what he's doing to her right now. You wanna go down on her, or you wanna go down on me and take a picture like that?

Yeah, all of them. I would like to be there having my penis held like that. I would like to be down on her doing that. It is from her perspective in this photo, she was quite drunk because it is quite, quite blurry.

It's quite blurry, so her POV is just obscured. In that other photo over there, she just looks like. She's writing regular cowgirls, so that's good because that coincides with segment one. I wonder if at this moment he's wondering, hey, will my penis break?

I doubt it. Go check out one very hot couple over at altplayground.net. There is this thing down here where they said a little bit of interest in videotape, maybe, uh, so maybe if you wanna make a little OnlyFans video, ring us up. I love, we'll blur it out like your POV photo.

We are auditioning now, so check it out and join our community. We have a community over there that we check at least once a week. Yeah, find us room 77. All right, Lauren, how do you feel?

I feel sunny and breezy. I feel a little bit tan. I feel special. I feel expensive.

Yeah, you know why? Here's why. Because we spent the weekend at the mansion at Desire Pearl, and I believe the phrase that comes with the mansion is, we're better than you. Yeah, we want to thank our host.

They said we could use their real name, Ed and Katie, and they said, Hey, why don't you come down and be our guest? Be our guest, be our guest. This is grounds for another copyright infringement. Yeah, so they put us up at the mansion and we had an amazing time.

We had a swim up room with a pool and a swing, so much like closets galore and fancy lights and a butler that. Did stuff. We had so much room. I stole clothing from around the resort just to put it in our closet.

When we checked in, I think our champagne was more expensive. Our mini fridge was stocked. I asked our butler to put the entire mini fridge in our car. He wouldn't do it.

It was filled with everything. That was all right, Lauren. We had to stop that story. We had to stop it in its tracks because we have an announcement.

Da da da da, uh, so we did have a whole segment about our experience at Desire that weekend, and it had a lot of really cool things in it. It had a lot of stuff with Ed and, and Katie, our hosts, and time we spent with them. It had a great jacuzzi story, a great jacuzzi story where a girl stood up and started to pee on everybody, including her boyfriend's mouth, until she was like kicked out by security. So that was, that was a first for us.

We also met a really cool chick, call her Karen, but she wanted to have sex with me just for scientific purposes. She believed her pussy was tight, and she needed to have you examine it. That was her reasoning. It was all for science.

I love that, which I respect, but we had to pull that out. Uh, here's why. Listen, we wanna thank everybody, especially thank that big dick from Seattle. You know, you know who you are, Mark of Liz and Mark, yeah, who really, really helped us out.

We also had a lot of people who Came here and met us at Las Arena and we had some dinner and they brought gifts and gum and I got toys, sex toys, sex toys. I got an e-bulb that I was obsessed with, which by the way, was false advertising. You could chat about that later. I'm gonna sue the entire company.

Um, uh, some pretty big changes, and we wanna keep you guys sort of up to date with everything. We actually, we went in and we had a meeting with the GM of the hotel and we just sat down and had a discussion and I. We both came to the understanding that we may in fact be on different paths and wanted to possibly do some different things. During the meeting, we came to an agreement that we're going to separate our brands since we've gotten bigger and we're just gonna move in different directions.

So we won't be directly aligned with desire anymore and doing the workshops there and stuff. It was a very civil meeting. They heard us, we heard them. Unfortunately, I just think we did our time there, we grew apart and.

Thank them so much for everything that they've done for us in in the past 3 years. We've, we've had an absolute blast. We really have. Uh, if you did book through us, we still get the credit.

So don't worry. If you have any problems with your reservation or whatever, you can still call Lauren and say, I need your box to help me. Please do if you did book through us and you have to cancel and make changes. Reach out to us so that I can track that credit because it's really important to us in our livelihood.

Yeah, so just, uh, don't cancel, just keep that. Reservation, we will still get credit for that. Going forward, you can still book through us. It's just gonna be a little bit different on our end, that's all.

It's made Lauren very happy because she has found her vocation. There's nothing I've seen her enjoy more than being a fucking travel agent, and I'm not even kidding. Sitting with your little glasses and your headpiece doing logistics. I like to get to know everybody.

I know you do. I know you really enjoy it. I do. We're, we're looking forward to being able to keep doing that.

Appreciate everybody that helped us as far as supporting us that way. And we just got to meet a bunch of cool people, so now we'll just see you in different places. Yeah, here's the thing, this is what we want to end with as far as desire goes. If you're near a listening device, which I imagine you are, lean in.

We love desire. We love it there. It is also our happiest place on earth. We all feel a certain way when we are there at the resort, and it is important for.

Lauren and myself to express to you how special it is and why it's special. Please remember that the desire resorts are not about the walls, the pools. It is what surrounds all of those things. It is the energy that you occupy in that space.

That space feels magic because of our community. The power and the magic lies in all of us. Having a place where you can walk. and not be judged and be able to be who you are in a literal naked and metaphorical naked sense.

We moved our entire life because of this concept and the opportunity to be able to work there in some capacity and the fact of the matter is we had no idea how we were going to make money or how we were going to support ourselves with this little dream. We just knew that to us it was happiness. And uh we don't regret picking up everything and and leaving. We came here because that place feels amazing.

We can't stress this enough. Know that that is a representation of you. The employees are a representation of you. The vibe that we give one another is truly second to none.

When you talk about the service, that is a reflection of you. You are bringing out the best of. All of the people that you interact with. Nothing will ever change that sensation, the experiences that we, we had there.

Desires is, not a longitude and a latitude. The walls do not hold the magic you do. So we are going to move on to better things. Now, we have no idea what those things are.

It's a bigger and better podcast with bigger and better. We don't know what's next. We're going to try to keep moving forward. We are gonna move forward.

We are gonna move forward. Hang with us while we pivot and try to make this transition. We want to thank the resort for all of the opportunity that you gave us. You changed our lives.

We had a blast when we got to be there. Please remember right now we're still in Puerto Morelos. We're right around the corner. If you want to reach out, uh, while you're here, we're gonna hopefully announce a small dog and pony show, something.

Yeah, I've been working on some new ideas. I think that I'm gonna go back to stunt driving. School and maybe do that like topless taxi but with some stunt driving skills. Yeah, you know why I like that idea?

Because it feels grounded. It feels feels attainable. It feels grounded in reality, you know what I mean? Listen, I, uh, don't speak the best Spanish, and I think that being a taxi driver in a, in a town where I don't really know where I'm going, yeah, we, we just won't pick up locals.

doesn't doesn't seem racist at all. I don't know. It's not on my Google Map. Hola, not today, Juan.

Sorry. Topless taxi for gringos. No, you're not gonna have to drive a cab. They could still support us.

Well, my box may look a little different in, uh, when next time you come by, but it still will work the same. It will still accept you to tap it. You can still tap it. It's just over the weekend.

And it's not gonna be functioning. It may not function right now. It's like a UTI, right? Oh, thank you.

Wally World is what I was going for more is just it's closed for cleaning and repairs or a yeast infection. In the meantime, we'll see you guys on Zoom. We're gonna still do the game night stuff which has been really fun. We want to thank everybody.

You can find out all that stuff. We have a Facebook group. Uh, we did get a message from somebody they wanted us to give out as a public service announcement. When you attend our game night or any Zoom function that we have or any Zoom couple, when you change your name to something like Hot NC Couple, remember on Monday morning you may have a business meeting and your name pops up as Hot NC Couple.

There may be some questions, just a friendly reminder. Doing this for 18 years, we've learned a lot and for Lauren and myself when we had this discussion, it is about the relationships that we have with, with everyone, the friendships you build, the people that you meet, just the ability to talk to people who are open minded and open. Hearted really, because it's the hearts that mean the most. It is a life changing community to get into and we value every friendship we have, every person we meet, every couple we meet, uh, you are some of the most amazing human beings.

Hold on. It's OK, Andy. All right, so, Sorry. OK, I'm gonna chew my gum because I think it's gonna help me.

It's gonna help me concentrate. I know I'm going rogue, um, we value all of those friendships so much, and we, we just wanted to say thank you. If you need anything, get in touch with us. You know where you can find us right here.

We're here for you. We're just sitting around waiting for you to message us usually while I'm in the middle of a Netflix movie and I'm like, what the fuck? I'll answer you. Fine.

It's what pause buttons are for. So reach out. All right, so now I know that some of that was a little bit heavy, dramatic, you might say, so I would like to lighten things up with a little story about sexual assault. No, it's not about sexual assault.

It is actually about sex. It does involve the sex, the coitus, but it involves vanilla. Now I'm not a huge fan of vanilla. I mean, sex, vanilla sex.

Just follow me here. I like vanilla, but sometimes vanilla doesn't know what the fuck it wants. Sometimes vanilla gets. Very, very confused and I have to explain things to vanilla that all the other flavors out there, they have defined themselves, but you for some reason are trying to use me to question your sexuality ice cream person, vanilla.

Uh, so this is basically what happened. We had a couple of people came in, 2 people came in to visit us. And one of them specifically was your friend, and this is one of those friends that people have that are always like, Oh my God, I wanna have sex with your husband, but they're vanilla, right? And you're like, very funny, but I will stick it in you if you keep talking like that.

So they know what we're into, but they keep everything separate, but they still flirt and they still are interested a lot of. A lot of flirting. A lot of teasing, and I feel like it's on the lifestyle side to be like, just hit the brakes, lady, you know what I mean? It sort of comes down on us.

Now that's fine and all good, but you hear it for, you know, a couple of years, and it's a joke and it's funny until that little vanilla ice cream cone gets very, very drunk. Oh, we put a little alcohol on that ice cream cone and you've got way more courage. Flambe. This person is getting drunker and drunker by the second and getting more and more aggressive.

We have not spoken to each other since this event happened. How many times did I say no? It's no, like a million. Right there.

I answered for you anyway. Thank you. Like a million. It's like nighttime, and she's like, Come on, let's all go to the pool.

Me, I'm like, Well, it's 9 o'clock at night. You can't go to the pool at 9 o'clock at night. It's closed. No, no, no, let's go to the pool.

When I say physically dragging me to the pool, I'm like, I know this is location B. This is, this is where, uh, our little vanilla ice cream cone wants to do dirty things. I'm not doing this. I'm not going swimming.

There are rules in this neighborhood that we live in. The pool is closed. It is late. There are neighbors.

Long story short, we get there, there's like 7 people hanging out by the pool. That's so funny. Oh, I guess they don't have any rules here about the pool. I guess you can use it 24 hours a day.

Who knew? Who knew? Mind you, I have been in our little residential pool counting last summer 0 times, 0 times I've been inside of that pool. So I've never really been there.

I've walked past it and said, Oh, there's a pool here, and that's about as far as I made it. But you did know the rules. But I didn't know the rules. Apparently I didn't know the rules.

So when you come over here, we can all go to the pool in the middle of the night. So she drags me into the pool. I mean dragged, sort of being dragged, and she's an attractive, attractive person that is in a bikini now. She looks amazing in a fucking bikini, and I'm like, this whole podcast is about me trying to not have sex with people, um.

So she takes me to the pool. We're sort of floating around there. It happens. She grabs my cock and I'm like, But you have shorts on.

I have shorts on, yeah, because it's a community pool, but that didn't last for a long time. Did she shove her hand down into your pants or grab it on the outside? First it was on the outside, and then what happens to men is it gets it creates excitement. Blood rushes to that area and your member extends to 3, sometimes 5 times the size.

Not in my case, but sometimes is that true? It's what I learned in med school. I don't know. I mean, from cold, if we're in the Arctic to fully hard 5 times.

I, I don't think that sounds very off. Do you? I don't know, not really, but it would be really interesting to see that 3 inches to 8 inches to 15 inches. All right, maybe not 5 times.

All right. All right. 3 times, like maybe 3 times. I don't know.

I'll have to do an experiment. We should have did it in the last, uh, game night. Yeah, we should have pre-measured and women love average penis game night. Such a hit anyway, very, very quickly, as you noticed, my member comes out of my shorts.

So I'm like, all right, well she can handle a hand job. It's fine. I'm not having sex with her, and I'm just soaking it in, right? Like I'm, I'm sort of letting her be drunkie monkey and just kind of, I keep making eye contact with you like, good luck.

And I'm like, I'm being sexually assaulted right now and you don't care. I just like maybe I'll take a picture. We're in the pool and everything's fine and dandy until what I thought is people would not be utilizing the pool at 9 o'clock at night on a Wednesday or whatever the fuck. Enter from central casting the conservative middle-aged Mexican lady in her one piece.

swimming suit and swimming cap. She totally was decked out. I'm like, oh my God, this woman is going to get in this pool and she's gonna die of shock or she's gonna run to security. I say, stop, stop, stop.

There's a lady coming. It's like we're 15 again. Stop it. Stop it.

Well, your friend that's doing this to me isn't even aware she's on planet Earth, let alone someone else just got in the pool. It's not your own backyard. So what I do notice is said lady with the swimming costume on starts floating closer and more frequently. I mean, she may.

16 passes by. She was getting her workout in, Richard. Yeah, by the time she made it back, like the 10th time, I was just spread eagle letting her watch her jerk me off like, well, apparently she doesn't care. I don't know.

And I turned to you and I was like, hey, maybe we make this a foursome. My girlfriend's like, Do you want me to ask her? I'm like, No, no, do not, do not do anything. So we sort of do that for a while, and then I sort of thought that would be it.

And she wants to go back to the house. She wants to take it further again. I'm like, hm, I, I don't, I don't wanna. This is comfort.

I want it. I want it. I want it. I have not, I don't think a drop of liquor in me.

And I don't know, we wound up naked somehow because she stripped your clothes off. Yeah, she did. She kept stripping. Like there was no point where I could not be.

I kept putting my clothes back on and she kept taking them off, so I did that. She needed to take care of your wet bathing suit. That's what happened. Yes, seemed legitimate at the time, right?

It seems like a good idea. She just didn't have any dry clothes handy. So, so well, we're on the couch and you're still just watching all of this. And then there's this moment where I'm just like, you know, you get to a point where you're just like, all right, you wanna fuck, then let's fuck.

I was apprehensive at first. Did she say, I wanna watch you guys fuck? Is that how it started? No, that was the end.

That was the end. But she, I think I was on the couch. I can't remember how she wound up on top of me again. Here I am in a situation where.

Someone's on top of me. It's very scary for me, but my cock, oh, she still had her bottoms on, so I kind of thought I was safe. It's not like she's wearing board shorts. It's, you know, you sort of belt, yeah, you just sort of slide that thing over when you're, when you're wearing a bikini, right?

You're sort of always good at that, yeah, you can't do that as a guy, and zippers cause a whole different kind of problem. She slides her bikini over and I feel my cock go inside of her and I'm like, uh, now I have a moral dilemma here. Part of me is like, uh, should I or shouldn't I? However, I don't know if you know how a man works, but it's like when you put a dog near water and they just start paddling their legs.

Paddling even though they're just near the water. That's what your hips start doing as a guy. As soon as you, as soon as you feel that entrance, you just, you start thrusting your hips. So it's almost instinctual.

So I couldn't have had no other choice. So at first my cock fell out and there was a moment where I was like, All right, well that'll just be it then, right? And then she put it back in. So then I just went to town.

And she went to town. She's sort of on the smaller side, and I'm not very strong. I sort of picked her up and I put her on the ottoman, and now I'm in that, you wanna fuck, let's fuck mode. She still wanted to go on.

She wanted to watch us have sex. Well then she was like, Can you fuck her on top of me? So we did that and she liked that, yeah, but I was like that is the worst position I've ever been in in my life. It was awkward for me too, but I was like, I wanted her to do it.

That's so funny. We haven't talked about. I know she was like, I want you to fuck on top of me, and we're like, all right. And you're like, so she's like laying down and I'm like sort of straddling over you.

It was like I was doing sort of a split and you had one leg, one leg was sort of off to the side and you, you just weren't really accessible and it was at the wrong height. It was such the wrong height, but I also didn't want to squash her because she's smaller than me. There's literally nothing about it that worked. It was like that was the last page of the Kama Sutra book.

And they were like, no, that one just does not work. I think we've hit all of them. That's it. That one's not gonna work.

The editor, yeah, I don't know what that was, uh, I was like, I, I cannot fuck in that position. That is, it was like live art we were doing. Art, it was like. So that was it for me.

I physically left the scene of the crime. Well, you're, you were doing that thing where you're burning up again. So you and stood in front of the fans. She looks at me and she's like, I still want to come.

She's not really done a lot of woman on woman stuff. So I'm like, OK, well, I'll start with fingers, right, because that's a little less intimidating. And so I'm like doing stuff and I'm doing my Yoni magic or what I think. I'm doing, I don't know if I'm doing it right, but I think I am.

She's making some noises. Her eyes are closed, they're open. She's like grabbing the cushions and stuff, and I'm like, well, she's really enjoying this. I'm going to go down on her.

So I like creep down and I just start like eating her out and then I do both and I'm doing fingers too and you know, but she's impossible to come and well, because she can't feel. Anything in her body. I mean, she's so, she was so hammered, by the way, I'm walking upstairs and downstairs taking phone calls and shit at this point like I'm totally out, you know, while you're doing this, you have that feeling of, I know tomorrow morning we are gonna be fine, you know what I mean, but while you're in the midst of it, I'm thinking I don't know. if you're going to be fine and you can ask them then and they're fine at the moment.

I mean, and they're very convincing and this was hours. It's not like it was like, you know, she was fine with it for hours and I, it's just after you flirt with someone for that long, it's like, listen, you teased the tiger this long. Did you just call me El Trey? Yeah, you're my tiger king to sum all this up, oh God.

My abs hurt. The next day, lo and behold, our little vanilla ice cream cone melts. Doubts, sorry, guilt, fuck. I knew it, and that makes me feel like crap.

And that is why vanilla is not my favorite flavor of ice cream. It's a, it's a tough road to, uh, it's a rocky road, you could say. Drop that mic, Richard B. I'm out.

That's all the time I got or an ice cream sandwich. All right, Lauren, here we are. I'm here. We're back.

Yes we are. It is another day. It is. It looks like the other ones.

Uh, you know what my friend told me? You have friends? Well, I have a friend. Um, she told me that Uranus entered the orbit.

My anus does a lot of stuff. Such a crap joke. Astrology and the planet Uranus. I don't know what that means.

I don't know what it means when a planet enters or I, I'm not really a big astrology guy. I just sort of look up there and uh, I feel pretty creative myself, but I still can't make shapes out of whatever constellation I'm looking at. I mean, Orion, that's a stretch. There's 3 lines.

It's a belt and a sword. There you go. Uh, OK. You're on a lot of mushrooms, I think I can find the pan, the big pan, and the little pan.

Yeah, I think dipper. I don't even know what a dipper is. I just renamed it a pan. Yeah, it's a pan.

So but Uranus means change, Richard. That's what it means. Well, we got that, yeah, we do. We got some change, but, uh, first, before we start, just so I get our listener in the mood.

Take me away to copyright infringement. Yeah, so we got a really cool invitation. Yeah, we did because we're fancy, yo, they were like, Hey, what's up, Lauren and Richard were like, Yo, what's up? Who is this?

It's some person that has a really big yacht, and this is what we wanna do. We wanna take you to Florida and we wanna take a picture of you guys. And by the way, can you bring me? So we had this opportunity where I think in September we're supposed to go to Florida and get on a boat and just rock out maybe with our cocks out maybe it's possible it's like a 100 ft yacht.

What did you say they wanted us to be a part of it, which is awesome. The thing has a crew and you know that I will be in the cockpit with the captain most of the time. Totally pressing. Can I press this button?

I don't know if you have to blow him. I'll do it. You will do it. Oh, I know I'll do it.

Yeah, I guess there's a chef. I don't know, a first mate. I'm just excited. Skipper.

This is gonna go out of the Bahamas and Florida or something like that. I don't even know where the Bahamas are. It doesn't matter. I just what I heard.

I heard Bahamas and I was like, Bermuda, another legal entanglement. So eventually when this thing starts October 1st, is that when it starts? Yeah, you can start booking. That's where we're gonna go September.

We're gonna take some pictures. You're gonna put this shit up. You can October it's gonna be sailing, sailing. Stop.

We're gonna get sued. So this is what they said. When it starts, you call that same guy who called us. You're like, Hey, hey man.

You're like, Hey, room 77 told me to call you. And if you say that, then you get a free case of boo click. How do you say it? Vo?

Well, the fancy. People just call it vvvlov clicku not vlov. Oh, what is it? Vob vv, yeah, I'm just gonna pour it all over me.

It's great right now because they're smaller groups and you know people are afraid. Let's come back to me on a boat, the wind going through what's left of my hair. I just watched that movie Greyhound. I'm just saying if we get attacked by German subs, I'm prepared.

Meanwhile, I am going to buy a little white captain's hat. Will you get a sweater and tie it around your neck like Ralph Lauren. Fucking course I'm doing it and like a blue navy blazer with gold buttons and a pipe. I.

That's the best. If you have any questions about that, go to luxury lifestyle charters.com. They have more information. They have pretty pictures, and they'll be even prettier come after our trip.

Also, so just to end on this note, if anybody knows how to get a Mexican into the United States either illegally or illegally, uh, let us know quickly. Yes, that's the most rapid visa process ever. Right now we have one plan which is to put her in our carry-on. All right, that's gonna tie some things up here at the end.

I just wanna tell you, you brought up Godzilla. Godzilla is a little iguana that has started living in our backyard, mainly because I feed him grapes twice a day, but I can't seem to get him to come over to me. Uh, I had these hopes. You tell me if they were too high.

OK, good, OK, because we haven't had a dog because we've spent a lot of time outside of the house and we just didn't feel like we had enough. Time for a doggy. My dream was to get a little tiny leash for Godzilla, and I would walk him around, but he won't, uh, he won't really come near me. Yeah, he's a wild animal.

That's why he's a reptile. Well, whatever, right? But I just feel like, I don't know, he did it again today, and I try to mosey on over to him, like, you know, saunter just as you will, but he thinks that I wanna eat him, which in his little mind, uh, everything wants to eat him. If you wanna come over, uh, and see Godzilla, uh, it's consider our house a little zoo.

I think he's out there. I can see him. What are you addicted to this month? I'm addicted to, um, a flashback item that I used to wear as a child.

They were these jelly sandals, and I got a grown-up pair, the jelly sandal with the clear heel, and they just make me so happy. I don't, I Almost similar to you because of all the stress and everything that's been happening this month. I am addicted to crack cocaine. Mhm.

It's funny enough. Yeah, I wouldn't recommend it to anybody. It has horrible side effects. You only feel good for one second and then you get completely depressed.

You become gaunt. Your teeth fall out. It kind of ruins your life, but it just feels right for right now. Not that I'm telling you why you do it.

I'm saying you shouldn't do it. I'm just saying because we talk about things that we're addicted to every month, uh, this month, crack cocaine. Sorry, sorry you had to find out this way, by the way. Tell them about Bikini Addiction.

Yeah, speaking of addiction, we support our fellow podcast listeners over at bikiniadddiction.com. And if you want to support us, head on over there. Use promo code room 77 for an extra 10% off. Or if you want a free one, book through us 5 nights or more, and we will send you a code in our welcome email.

That you can use on their site for a free one. Woohoo. Lauren wears them a lot on Instagram, and you can stare at her camel toe. Thanks.

They're not cut that way. You don't get camel toe with them, but sometimes I make you say, make it camel toe. Camel toe can be very sexy, yeah, if you do it right. Camel toe in a bikini is sexy.

Camel toe in jeans, not so much, not so much. Hey, those Levi's are giving you a sweet camel toe. And last but not least, why do we put the Patreons last? They should be the most important.

They should actually go in the front, shouldn't they? They're not. They're not the least. We wanna thank our patrons, the people who support us over at, how do you get there?

It's a hidden patreon.com/room 77. Thank you all so much. We have more names that we want to announce. We have finally made enough.

I was able to buy a Roomba for the Tesla, so now I just let that go in there and it keeps it cool. Thank God. All right, Lauren, who are the people who sent donations? Uh, a special thanks to Dave and Vicky, new with tags, Mark and Fran, and we have fiery couple Boris and Natasha, Katerina and Antonio, Mr.

Funforti, Christian, Todd, Blant and Tony Sophia, Brandon, Mallory, casual swinger, our naughty escapade. K and J 802, Mark C, Rich and Christy, Neil, TF Belly rubs. Everything is better than cats. Naz couple, Marty and Susie, Rod Gazinga, Angel and Aries, Rachel and Chris from Mia Lee, Scott, Robert, Andy, Alan, IT couple me, Mr.

Spicer, T and Joe, Thomas. And D, Matt and Laura, John Ho, R&B Babies, RNS 69, Aaron T, Charles, Mark B, Jeff D, Red and G, Warren, Charles F, Ray, T. Howard, Kurt Polo, Jessica, Iowan couple 88, H and H, Laura, Greg, Tim and Lisa love to be wet, Mark, Scott, Murray, Mr. and Mrs.

Da, Denny Cococo. Sorry that it's always one that gets me. Chuck and Laura, Julian, Hardy, Joshua, Brian, Michelle, Steven, Scott, Ragnar, Anne and Drew, Steven, Amy, and Doug, rock star astronauts, Venmo Lynn, TNA H2O, and that dick from Seattle. Thank you.

God, that was a lot of names. Woo. That was a lot. I really.

I was trying to figure out something, but no time. I was too depressed. Don't be depressed. They are all those people.

It was like over a minute just of people that are just like, Hey, Lauren, you're awesome. I, I wanna use your box and I wanna give you stuff. Yeah, so thank you for that. Next time you'll hear us talk about having sex with more than 3 couples per week.

And having heard And that about does it for us. For more information, visit us at room 77life.com. Thanks for stopping by room 77. We had a blast.

Now get your clothes and get out. Sorry folks, we're closed for 2 weeks to clean and repair America's favorite family fun park. Sorry. What?

Yeah.